THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE GIVEN IN LIFE. WILL YOU ACCEPT THE WHOLE DEAL?

Once you move to a location, you “get” to have the weather. Some rain, some storms, some very cold days, some very hot, some in between. Will you be damning the weather a lot of the days or will you be looking at the whole year and saying that it all works out on average?

And, if you do damn the weather, what do you think you’ll get out of it?

Looking at it logically, with reasoning, if you damn the weather, you will be irritating yourself and sending bad chemicals out into your body. (You’ll be using a function used in caveman days that required action, which would then burn off the bad chemicals, essentially, so that you didn’t have long term damage. But you’ll leave the damage in this case.)

Other than deciding to move elsewhere, you simply “get” to accept what is there. No damning will change the weather. You simply adapt, and maybe even appreciate what you do have.

Now what we were actually talking about is that you get a life which on average has some pretty good stuff in it with some storms and some limitations. Overall it is good.

Should you then damn things that come up that you don’t like? Should you wish they weren’t so? Should you wish that you could be the smartest, best looking, sexiest, rich person you would like to be or should you simply accept that the basics of life are damned good and the only thing that will make you unhappy in the long run is yourself damning what happens, damning the imperfection of life?

Well, duh!

The answer is obvious. But then why do we complain, bitch, worry excessively, stress ourselves – all objecting to not having it our way (like a child) or to not having things work out better for us. Without the negative evaluations, we get x number of sunny days that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. And we lose nothing in the other days – UNLESS we stress ourselves about it instead of adapting. Indeed, many people conclude that life isn’t so good on average, but amazingly enough that is only because they have inserted so much unnecessary suffering into the balance! Without the suffering added, life itself is good – very good, even wonderful!

The other metaphor I like is the one about the ocean. To fill in the metaphor, we are given this vast amount of water, upon which there are waves on the surface, which can sometimes seem treacherous to us, but in fact the vast, by far, greater part is calm and deep water underneath. Life for many is like focusing on the waves and then feeling bad about them.

And, so we find ourselves wanting to play in the surf because the other parts are boring. We get bashed by a wave and we say “ouch” and “oh, well, that’s what happens with waves” – but we don’t need to add suffering (the “ain’t it awful” of life) to it.

The latter would be pretty stupid, hey? You do see that, don’t you?

If you do see that and accept it, then you are “enlightened.” You’re just playing in the surf, getting bashed once in a while – a big “so what?!”.

Then you notice your friend standing in the waves, damning them as he gets pummeled. But, as an “enlightened” person, you simply attempt to get as many good rides on your surfboard as you can, maybe dinging up your surfboard once in a while, but, as an “enlightened” person would say, “So what? That’s just part of life? Life is good overall!”[1]

________________

Interestingly enough, if you accept the logic and truth of this, you will also see that there is no suffering to be added to bad events or physical pains and then you’ll begin to see (perhaps with some help of The Site and its resources) that there is never anything to worry about. See the piece on my site, under Psychology/Emotion Management/SufferingStruggle:

My Enlightenment Experience Being Sick In India, Gratitude, and Non-Suffering - A
profound, though simple, experience that will stay with me forever, where I didn't
add any pain or suffering because of...

________________

Best of luck in your quest to eliminate all suffering and to fully experience true happiness!

[1] This is also known as a “coping statement”, where you talk to yourself in a way that better makes you able to cope with or accept what is happening without getting upset about it. Statements like “this too shall pass” are helpful and a form of this. See http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/, Psychology, Self-Talk, My Utility "Coping" Thoughts - These are thoughts that generalize about life which are brought into mind readily and frequently when things happen. They can be disempowering (identify yours) or empowering. Examples are provided to choose from or jump off of.

HOW TO NOT BE HAPPY - OR TRY THE OPPOSITE

In my recent conversation with a person who described herself as "depressed", I could certainly see the reason for that self-description, as it would have applied to anyone who was saying those same things. We as humans are very similar, so we are affected similarly by what we say, do, and think. AND we also (per the studies) are terrible predictors of what will make us happy!!!!

So, her description was that she needed social interaction and approval (and love) from other people in order to be happy. Or, the other side of this statement, 'I can't be happy without those." And she "knows" this is a "need," because so many others agree with it.

Neither statement meets the "Is it true?" test. Look at the list of what the scientific studies have proven actually make people happy. Nowhere on that list does it say that we must meet this popularly believed "need" in order to be happy!!!!!

One can be perfectly happy without having anything that depends on the "out there" and/or depends on the uncontrollable ("out there"). Indeed, controlling what you can control is one of "the secrets" of a happy, productive life - or alternatively 'not trying to control what you cannot control'. Setting yourself up to depend on getting something from an unreliable source is the set up for unhappiness!

Read the list to see that what I say above is true. Then consider reading the entire main module (only about 30 pages typewritten - such a big payoff for so little effort).


Excerpt from http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/ , Psychology, Happiness, "Main Module: How To Become Happy" (to link, click on article title, at top) :

STUDIES OF HAPPINESS

Studies clearly show happiness does not come from the outside but from the inside. But we spend all or most of our time seeking it from the outside, with little positive effect.

Have no effect (or very, very little):

Physical attractiveness, being “cool”, education, intelligence, climate, race, gender, increases in money beyond subsistence, having things, high accomplishments, childhood events[1]

Have moderate effect:

Hope (as part of a study on religion), avoiding negative events and negative emotions.
Possibly a moderate effect, but not proven to be causal: Marriage, rich social life, social intelligence.

Have a high effect:

Developing optimism style and positive viewpoint
Learning thought control and creating thoughts anew
Gratitude
Using your signature strengths – creating gratifications (instead of temporary pleasures)
Personal and social intelligence (knowledge of self and of others)
Consistently exercising kindness and generous actions
Good memories

[1] What you think and made up about these events would affect your personal happiness, but there is no proven net effect on average.

WHAT WE SUFFER ABOUT

I've just posted "What We Suffer About" (to link click on this blog piece's title), under "Buddhism, The Re-Write To Achieve Easy Application", which is under Philosophy, Philosophical Disciplines.

Of course, I've restated these in a manner I think are more understandable.

I think it helps us in getting rid of fears of death, old age, bereavement, changes - all those things we waste life units on simply because we don't see or accept "reality". (See The Four Noble Truths - Rewritten - which discuss the cause of unnecessary suffering.)

Let me know what you think about (and the other recently posted related pieces).

Keith
www.thelifemanagementalliance.com

STOPPING ALL SUFFERING AND FEARS

OK! The title is a slight exaggeration. It's actually factually about stopping virtually all suffering and fears (80-90+%).

It seems, on the surface, not to be possible. And that is a bit of the way I felt (actually the right word is "thought"; actually "believed" is more accurate) about it when I first went to the Fearless class at the Option Institute (http://www.option.org/ ). As is the case with many in-depth (beyond dilettantism and dabbling) learning, I found it is entirely doable! It seems incredible and like a bunch of hype, but it is provable, my friend.

This blog isn't the right format for a complete discussion, so you might want to start with the piece, referred to under a different title in the last blog, "The Perspective On Beliefs And Thoughts", under the section called "Beliefs and Thoughts, How To Deal With Bullbleep".

To link into it, click on the title of this blog piece, and then read it, going back and linking into all the pieces that it ties into.

Using the principle of Completion (see the Perspective piece), you'll find you can stop the repeating and repeating and repeating of the same old useless, but upsetting, thoughts - by blowing the foundation out totally, without even having to struggle with alot of detail!

Try it, you might life it! (Or, if you're fearless, you might refer a friend who could use it...)

Keith
www.thelifemanagementalliance.com

BELIEFS, FEARS, AND SUFFERING

Sent to my best buddy, who knows how important this is to me:

"Yikes! Major alert! Tragedy!

I ran out of coffee creamer! How could I be so foolish?* And now I am "deprived" and in suffering and pain! Reality sucks!

...but a moment of clarity**...I used my store of Stevia...life is restored...I am now saved!..life is good again..."

Yes, a bit silly, but this parody is so true in real life.

Read the new Dialogue About Beliefs, Foolishness And What To Do About It (click on the title above to link to it.).

The Buddhakahuna
www.thelifemanagementalliance.com




*And I can't bear the thought that this is the way my future life will be. It will be so desolate, barren, without pleasure. Without this necessity of life!
**Accidents do happen...

Transition - From Victim To Creator Of Life

Barbara,

During this next month or so you're probably going to feel like there is "no progress" and/or "this isn't working", but keep on doing the assigned exercises as we're building something for the long term.

One of the big things we are doing is working at creating "context", like a way of viewing things or a position from which to view things. This is necessary to create "bigger learning", consistent with the piece on skill development and how people become experts (or geniuses).

You'll be moving from the (fictional) victim/child construct over to "I am the creator" viewpoint. The belief that one is a victim is a totally "made up" self statement, one that would not meet the criteria of "is it true?" The question is answered "no", as it is not a given, permanent thing that you are. However, the answer to that question for "I am the creator" would have to be answered: "yes, it is true" (scientifically verifiable).

Gradually, over the next little while, you will begin to shift more and more to realizing the truth of the one and the "not truth" of the other. In fact, although it might seem silly and like it won't be effective, it is a good idea to use this as an affirmation, one that is so memorized that it can be brought up every time you are "feeling" like a victim/child. Feeling like a "victim/child" is shown by statements like "oh, it's so difficult" or "oh, this'll never work" or, a real good one, "that's just the way I am" [equivalent to "that's the way I've been in the past and I can't change that, so that is the way I'll be in the future" - poppycock!]

You can also catch yourself when you're feeling the "victim" of working on getting someone else's approval (a piece is coming soon).

So, your affirmation (and, hopefully, eventually, your absolute commitment) will be: "I am the creator." If you want, you can reinforce it with other sayings like: "I am the captain of my ship and the master of my life".

These recognize that it is you who determine all your responses and actions and thoughts and beliefs that you'll choose to operate from (and it is NOT your past). "Creator" is the point from which you exercise power over life, where you are "at cause" and no longer "at the effect" of other people and circumstances. Where you embrace all that you have and fully utilize it!

Keith
(Click on title to link to go to Power In Life, under Life Management and at least read Responsibility Versus Victimhood.)

HAPPINESS - RECONSTRUCTING OUR VIEWPOINTS

Barbara,

Although the coaching program will follow the skills development (as in the earlier posting on it) process, we will also be "eating the elephant" a bite at a time and thoroughly digesting each piece, so we won't have to, anymore, "repeat what we do not complete".*

An excerpt from Reconstructing Our Viewpoints And Mindsets To Increase Happiness**: (Click on the link below, next to **).

UNREALISTIC COMPARISON CREATES UNHAPPINESS

One very successful scientist who wrote a book about how he came out of depression, said there were two things he had to change in order to decrease his unhappiness with the “gap” between where he thought he was and where he thought he should be:

1. Change the “standard” for you to be happy with where you are so it is not unreachable, so it is more reasonable.

2. Change the underestimation and undervaluation of where you are.


The happiness gap:

^---------- Artificially high standard or ideal-------------
l Gap 1
----------- Where you actually are------------> Total gap
l Gap 2
v---------- Where you think you are ---------------------


Where focus attention for greatest payoff?


.....Core <-- Greatest payoff .

...Level 2 – Good experiences
... Level 3 - Outside experiences"

(See the written piece by linking below next to **, to see what this means.)

Barbara, we'll be using the "completion process" to gradually lower the top line, unrealistic expectations - one of the things we'll do there is use the context of Buddhism, but explained in english - soon to come.

Next, we'll raise your assessment of yourself (and your life) by removing , one at a time, the things that cause that unrealistic assessment.

We'll do this until the bottom line comes up to the top line (and then we'll keep on going above even that)! Hopefully, this gives you some more context to "see" where we are going and to give you some perspective on this incredible journey we are taking to Completion.

Keith

*Link: www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/lifemgmt/learningandthinking/skilldevelopmenteffectivesimple.doc
**Link:
www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/Psychological/Happiness/Reconstructmindset.doc

THE SCIENCE OF LIFE-SKILL DEVELOPMENT

The "Basic Life-Skills" that will propel you forward in life to achieving the happiness you want are the skills of:
1. Learning - effectively and quickly.
2. Thinking (the Master Skill)
3. Problem-Solving (includes great decision-making skills)
4. Power And Wisdom

The first three are necessary to attain the 4th, where you'll have the most powerful life-skill of all.

But first we must begin to develop of the skill of learning.

And, in doing so, we must ask what is the most effective and the quickest way to learn what we need to learn. How do we become "geniuses" at what is most important.

In The Talent Code, by Daniel Coyle, he provides great examples of how genius was attained and proves it just doesn't happen naturally, even with Mozart (at 6 years old playing brilliantly).

On The Site*, the piece called "Developing Life-Skills Effectively Is Simple" summarizes what it takes to "arrive" at genius in life (or at least high competence!). (See linking instructions below.)

And within those two sources, there's the good news and there's the bad news.

The good news is that incredibly great things are achievable if you use "the process."

The bad news is that the process does require a relative minimum number of hours and it must be done with some rigor in terms of following a program that is systematic and only uses real experts to learn from - you can't just go through life randomly learning from experiences and other non-expert people or you'll never get very good at life.

And you'll have to use the Principle of Completion, where you tie up all the fine points and finish learning, much like a superior athlete like Tiger Woods finishes learning things at a more complete and thus higher level.

And there is a reason that "the process" works. That reason lies in the fact that when the brain develops neural circuits to do the task desired, a myelin wrapping that is much like insulation increases in thickness each time something related to the task is done. That insulation is like the wrapping around internet broadband wiring in that it allows the signals to be stronger and faster and much more efficient.

And we can increase the speed of the development by increasing the motivation (see the article), the intensity of thinking, the adjustments that are made by making more errors and figuring things out and other non-obvious factors.

It is through this process, and only this process, that we can overcome old habits that have been repeated over and over to establish their own protective myelin - so we can't just wish the old habits away or assume that they won't dominate when we try to change a behavior, or we will run into the failures we have when old habits ruin our attempts at change.

Using this process and these more effective elements and ways of learning will dramatically improve the quality of our lives and is the only real way to assure that we can be happy, I assert.

Read the article and follow the process to the level of life skill needed to produce the level of life you want.

Click on the title of this blog piece to go to The Basic Life-Skills section, then read the full article "Developing Life-Skills Effectively Is Simple" - then follow "the process!"

*"The Site" is www.thelifemanagementalliance.com

RIGHT/WRONG AND BLAME - DANCING AS A METAPHOR

I think dance lessons serve to illustrate life and how it works.

You don’t know what you’re doing until you know what you’re doing. (Duh!) And when you make mistakes it tweaks Dumb and Dumber (Monkey Mind and Lizard Brain) to trigger one’s “feeling stupid” or “looking like a fool” defense mechanism. (Who, me?) And I did feel a bit incompetent, with no ability to put on a competence mask or to “look good”, so I risked looking bad, as my only choice!

But then I needed to call forth the adult in me… I just had to say “oh, well, I’m human, humans have to learn” and “maybe I can just have fun” and “maybe I’ll be better off for having learned.”
“Nobody has to be perfect.” “You will not be rejected for being a dumb person.” “Probably nobody cares if you goof. They’re probably just be self-concerned anyway. Or maybe you’ll just contribute to their feeling better about themselves, by comparison…and that’s ok.” Etc. and Etc.[1]

And then my partner/friend leaned back too much and kept pulling me off balance. My adult in me said “well, you be responsible and take up the slack, holding her stronger”. When I suggested to her that she was leaning back too far, she said she was standing up straight, so I needed to know when to stop pushing my observation (believed perception), so that it didn’t sound like a right/wrong, blame thing. (However, I did notice D & D trying to urge me to blame someone else, so ‘they’ would be “off the hook”, but my adult said “no, it is all your responsibility and others will always do something that is not perfect, so you just adjust and take responsibility for all parts…”). Ultimately, one of the instructors told her she was leaning back too far, so she was able to accept it this time. (There was no “I’m right” spoken, out loud or in my head, as I know that would imply a “wrong” on the other side, period; a rule never to be violated!)

And then my partner/friend was off the beat, moving from 5 to 6 too quickly. So I said “let’s slow down” and attempted to get the result by counting out loud. But she started instructing me on how I was supposed to be on the beat and 5 to 6 was a quick step and that I wasn’t doing it right… (My adult observed that) We both thought we had it nailed clearly , so (my adult suggested) “be sure to make sure there is no blame or implied blame in the conversation and that your statements are self responsible ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements,[2] so I followed that. And things went smoother.

And then, after two hours, it seems that one gets tired, and probably a bit prone to crankiness, but an individual at that point best does not “get to” be cantankerous or irritated – there’s no excuse for that – one must either button it up or stop (as in the HALT[3] prescription). So, my adult says “ok, you’re feeling susceptible and a bit foolish and tired and weak, but you can still be kind to yourself and others. And if you need to, go get some rest.”

Thank God that I learned to bring my adult (my thinking brain) in because Dumb and Dumber certainly would have created something not so workable. And, from my adult, I understand that others will be defensive and prone to being victim (feel picked on), so I was careful to take care of that, as there is more than one person involved in this situation!

Relevant pieces, of which you should learn thoroughly and from which you should act accordingly:

Psychology, Managing The Mind, Beliefs/Thoughts, Victimhood (click on article title to go
there and then link into the other sections)
Life Management, Power In Life, Responsibility Vs. Victimhood
Relationship, Communication, CriticismBlameVictim
Psychology, Emotion Management, Anger/Blame/Criticism

Coming soon: Role Playing As If You Were An Adult

http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/

[1] Referred to as “coping statements”. See Psychology, Internal Talk, My Utility Coping Statements.
[2] http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/ , Relationships, Communication, Criticism/Blame/Victim, NO-BLAME COMMUNICATION AND THE NO BLAME RELATIONSHIP – Explains how to communicate cleanly.
[3] Don’t act on anything important when hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Stop until you get your balance and strength back.

GRATITUDE - AIN'T IT GREAT!

From my journal, part of the daily gratitude practice:

"We, as humans, focus so intensely on obstacles or small things that mean little for life. Yes, we need to see what is "wrong" so that we can act if it needs correction, but beyond that it is no big deal. Life is a package deal, with so much good stuff that is so incredibly greater than the imperfections, shortcomings, or whatever we want to call it. I want to write more about this, and I want more people to "get it" and to be happier. That is my mission and my "game" that I choose to create in this life.

[The following phrase is my "mantra", in a sense, though it is also an affirmation of what is true.]

I appreciate and am so grateful for the incredible number of great things about life and the world.

Last night's incredible light show in the sky - Went outside to see it better, loved the "night sounds", marveled at how the mechanics of the world work so well, it went on forever, like an invasion from outer space, different parts of the sky lighting up, almost simultaneously, differently, some flashes lit up the whole sky as if it were day, some great formation of spidery lightning, from cloud to cloud, more than 1500 flashes in one hour (per the news), so something was going on all the time.

Windows - I marvel at how I can do almost anything with a click of the mouse, things that used to take hours and hours in the old days, all instantly available. Amazing!

Chilean grapes - so good, I get to enjoy them so much right now, a miracle that mankind figured out how to get them here and so cheaply. Amazing how great we are as humans!"

Gratitude and perspective add so much to life! (Click on title to go to that section of the site.)

The Buddhakahuna
http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/

COPING STATEMENTS - NECESSARY AND EFFECTIVE

Barbara,

One of the "coping" statements, which also is an affirmation, that you best memorize and have immediately available is "I am just doing the best I can now given the current limits of my awareness, so I treat myself gently." And "I need not succeed in this particular endeavor, and that's ok - just a part of life."

Of course, the first one is a variation on the straight thinking in the Barksdale materials that I think should be required learning for anyone who wants to be happy and effective in life. It is my wish for you and my intention that you study and learn those at a very high level.

We have also discussed you developing a list of 10 coping thoughts to use in the moment, see
My Utility "Coping" Thoughts, under Self Internal Talk under Managing Your Mind under Psychology (click article title to link).

There is so much to be happy about in life, but we need to drop our primitive thinking that continues to set off the false alarms that make life not so good at the time. Soon, we will have you at "optimal" thinking, without (hardly any) criticism or perfectionism...and then we'll see how powerful you can truly be!!!

Buddhakahuna
http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/

INSPIRATION - POSITIVE MUSIC

This morning I thought of what I need to get myself started, as I was feeling a bit logy and a bit like I didn't really want to do the stuff I need to do today (though in my right mind I see that is something necessary to get to where I want, so I gladly do it!).

So I remembered, and then played, the soundly sensible and uplifting songs from Jana Stanfield
(Click on the title of this article and you'll link into the Inspiration - Music section to my site.). They are not the "spiritual" songs, but they are ones that allow for human nature and for how we can all look at things in a positive way, sometimes with a great sense of humor about our humanness - AND with a profound gratitude for all we have.

You'll enjoy having a collection of her songs, as part of your collection to access as part of your life and keeping it on a higher plain.

Keith
www.thelifemanagementalliance.com

EXTREME SELF-CARE - HONORING YOURSELF AND FEELING GOOD ABOUT LIFE

Barbara,

We slip, ever so gradually, into behaviors that hurt us by stressing ourselves out and setting ourselves up for breakdown in some way. We are like the proverbial gradually boiling frog, who doesn't jump out of the water that is heating from tepid to boiling because it is so gradual.

It is time to treat oneself with honor and careful nurturing, as suggested in this article and in Cheryl Richardson's book, "The Art Of Extreme Care". The article "Extreme Self-Care" suggests several practices and a couple of books that will lead you to that greater place of being.(Click on the article title above to link to the Peace of Mind section, then to the article. It's also in the Life Management, Practices section.)

I would suggest that this is not "optional" but that it is absolutely essential.

Take "care",

Keith
www.thelifemanagementalliance.com

MEN FROM MARS...GOOD?

From a good friend:

Do you recommend Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus?

Answer: It is ok for an overview. On www.thelifemanagementalliance.com, you can look under the Relationships section for Relationship Resources overall (click on article title to link to it), but note in particular the link under books to Gender Differences (or just enter that in the search engine to go directly to it).

Yes, we do communicate differently. And, yes, we need to respect that difference and not expect an apple to be other than an apple, as the key problem in relationships is the "make-wrong" about the other because of the disappointment about the other not meeting our (unrealistic) expectations - a set up for failure.

And, I do applaud anyone who looks at the "dilemma" and seeks to become a master (at required Level I) in "significant other" relationships. If a person has spent at least 120 hours studying this in depth, one is operating out of ignorance, I think.

Go to the Relationships page and click on "Essential Quick Grounding In Relationships" and do at least that!!!!

One fellow spent 18 hours popping around the website on this. The result: he could see that he shouldn't be in the dysfunctional relationship he was in. [He was right.] In most cases, however, with a willing partner at least at the minimum level, things can be worked out in relationships.

So, my friend, I wish you much wisdom in, and completion in the knowledge about, relating to that one person who can add the most to your life. (But also remember the idea behind the book 'Men Are Just Dessert'...)

Keith
http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/