Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Believing Brain: Know This!
Our brains mechanically, unthinkingly form patterns of what to do and feel - and then we begin to believe these as "truth" or as "an invisible force", whereas they are actually just patterns of neurons.
In his book, The Believing Brain, Michael Shermer describes in-depth "patternicity" and how we foolishly believe in something we made up or which happened at random. And then we also, as humans, create "agenticity", as if there was a person inside us directing us in some mysterious way, or a god, or a universe that actually has intentions (and whose favor we seek so it'll be nice to us).
Knowing how this is all created, and why, is essential to the next step of looking and seeing what to embrace and what to discard so that we can live a much happier life - and stop the ongoing cycles of foolishness that we engage in at great harm to ourselve.
Read this 15 page discussion on The Site: The Believing Brain: Patternicity, False Agency, And Creating A New Life. Perhaps from reading this discussion (and/or the book), you can nail down the absurdity of continuing to believe in what is created nonsensically and in the false agency (or power) you give it, as if it really exists!
My best wishes for you finally conquering this and laying it to rest, so you can have a greater, happier life.
Keith
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Demanding the other to shape up
Byron Katie, in her book "I Need Your Love - Is That True?", writes of much wisdom in regard to relationships.
As with life, most people will find they suffer more in life when they put their "locus of control" "out there", being dependent on others and how they react to the person. They spend lots of time interpreting the other's actions, expressions, words - often reading in 'intents' (which are, of course, non-observable, as they are only in the other person's brain) and coming up with false conclusions, but inevitably believing they are right, as most people consider themselve to be extremely perceptive and accurate).
We make up lots of "shoulds", including expectations and beliefs about what the other should do - and then we attempt to manipulate them to give us what we want, to make them love us and do the right thing.
Wrong! That won't work.
We set up barter systems and then think we are loved because the other person does what we want. We fail to see what the source of true love really is - and it ain't the ones in the movies or in our cultural beliefs. (You'll have to read the book to see what this means!)
And one of the manipulations we do involves anger and/or criticism of the other. If only the other person does what we want. If only the other person were not so smug, then you wouldn't be pissed off. (And escalate it until it works - oops, that is really a stupid idea, but why do so many people do it?)
Well, what right do you have to be judge and jury, to be God? And how can you see inside the other person to know that they are really thinking they are smug or ....?
The source of our suffering in relationship is that we "demand" of others - which doesn't work, even though you might get the right response temporarily or on the surface.
The truly loving person is not in the demand or manipulation business. The truly loving person makes requests - and accepts whatever the answer is (for if he/she didn't that would then mean that it was actually a demand, really a "must" rather than a request).
Learn this and you'll be surprised how well your relationships will go - and you'll know what the cause is of them not going well! (And you'll, at least, stop wasting energy on having the other shape up, so you can use it in the place where control actually can be achieved, for your personal improvement.)
Read the book. (Or you could just be insulted and blame another for placing the responsibility on you...)
K
Linking to Relationships Contents/Links, you might wish to read
1. What Is Needed To Be Learned In Relationship - Overview - and you'll know what you are missing and must do if you want a good (or great) relationship.
2. Trying To Fix, Correct, Control Others (under Communication).
3. Making Requests And Happy Negotiating (under Communication, Making Requests)
4. Perception Versus Reality (under Communication)
(Note that the cause of failure to learn is that the materials will be accumulating for "later", which never happens. It is best to do these promptly, to at least understand the basics, even if you just scan it - and then to decide what is worthwhile to learn - and then scheduling it, with sufficient time for mastery. If these are not helpful, then ask your professional how to proceed and what resources are needed. )
As with life, most people will find they suffer more in life when they put their "locus of control" "out there", being dependent on others and how they react to the person. They spend lots of time interpreting the other's actions, expressions, words - often reading in 'intents' (which are, of course, non-observable, as they are only in the other person's brain) and coming up with false conclusions, but inevitably believing they are right, as most people consider themselve to be extremely perceptive and accurate).
We make up lots of "shoulds", including expectations and beliefs about what the other should do - and then we attempt to manipulate them to give us what we want, to make them love us and do the right thing.
Wrong! That won't work.
We set up barter systems and then think we are loved because the other person does what we want. We fail to see what the source of true love really is - and it ain't the ones in the movies or in our cultural beliefs. (You'll have to read the book to see what this means!)
And one of the manipulations we do involves anger and/or criticism of the other. If only the other person does what we want. If only the other person were not so smug, then you wouldn't be pissed off. (And escalate it until it works - oops, that is really a stupid idea, but why do so many people do it?)
Well, what right do you have to be judge and jury, to be God? And how can you see inside the other person to know that they are really thinking they are smug or ....?
The source of our suffering in relationship is that we "demand" of others - which doesn't work, even though you might get the right response temporarily or on the surface.
The truly loving person is not in the demand or manipulation business. The truly loving person makes requests - and accepts whatever the answer is (for if he/she didn't that would then mean that it was actually a demand, really a "must" rather than a request).
Learn this and you'll be surprised how well your relationships will go - and you'll know what the cause is of them not going well! (And you'll, at least, stop wasting energy on having the other shape up, so you can use it in the place where control actually can be achieved, for your personal improvement.)
Read the book. (Or you could just be insulted and blame another for placing the responsibility on you...)
K
Linking to Relationships Contents/Links, you might wish to read
1. What Is Needed To Be Learned In Relationship - Overview - and you'll know what you are missing and must do if you want a good (or great) relationship.
2. Trying To Fix, Correct, Control Others (under Communication).
3. Making Requests And Happy Negotiating (under Communication, Making Requests)
4. Perception Versus Reality (under Communication)
(Note that the cause of failure to learn is that the materials will be accumulating for "later", which never happens. It is best to do these promptly, to at least understand the basics, even if you just scan it - and then to decide what is worthwhile to learn - and then scheduling it, with sufficient time for mastery. If these are not helpful, then ask your professional how to proceed and what resources are needed. )
But I don't want to do that much work...
A "natural" reaction to the previous message might be to protest that it is too much work and/or there is not enough payoff - or even the "I tried it before and it didn't work" (to which the response might be "well, do it right this time" or "don't stop until you get the desired results" or "there is always a way").
One remark about a number of items on the site is that they were "too simplistic". OK, fine, just learn as much as you can - and then it is up to you to go deeper and find a better resource, possibly reading some of the books or experts I refer you to on the site.
One of my objectives on the site, due to feedback and some thinking about it, is to convert it so it is "top down", going from summaries and simpler items down deeper into more detail and technique. So, take the simplistic as merely an overview, which of course could be useful for getting perspective. And, yes, I will add some pieces that actually show a complete sequence or procedure to apply - ones that work.
And you don't need to believe everything, but I urge you to consider that some things have been proven over and over and over. Give the item an open-minded look - and, please, don't put your certainty about your beliefs and "perceptions" out there as "for sure being true!"!
"But can't you give me a shortcut, a pithy insight, and make me all better?"
No. And seeking the easy solutions or the ways around doing what is necessary will take up your time and enmesh you into resistance. You've just got to do the work - and the evidence that you are doing the work is that you get the results. If you are not getting the results, then, with backward reasoning, that means you haven't done the work.
Perhaps you need to find a better resource if the ones you have been using are not working, for whatever reason. But the most reliable reason for your not getting the desired results is that you have not done the work - and you need to do it - and it will take time and focused effort! (See Learning Authentically.)
I hope you choose to do this - 'cause you ain't finished 'til you're finished, and not before then - so keep on keepin' on.
K
One remark about a number of items on the site is that they were "too simplistic". OK, fine, just learn as much as you can - and then it is up to you to go deeper and find a better resource, possibly reading some of the books or experts I refer you to on the site.
One of my objectives on the site, due to feedback and some thinking about it, is to convert it so it is "top down", going from summaries and simpler items down deeper into more detail and technique. So, take the simplistic as merely an overview, which of course could be useful for getting perspective. And, yes, I will add some pieces that actually show a complete sequence or procedure to apply - ones that work.
And you don't need to believe everything, but I urge you to consider that some things have been proven over and over and over. Give the item an open-minded look - and, please, don't put your certainty about your beliefs and "perceptions" out there as "for sure being true!"!
"But can't you give me a shortcut, a pithy insight, and make me all better?"
No. And seeking the easy solutions or the ways around doing what is necessary will take up your time and enmesh you into resistance. You've just got to do the work - and the evidence that you are doing the work is that you get the results. If you are not getting the results, then, with backward reasoning, that means you haven't done the work.
Perhaps you need to find a better resource if the ones you have been using are not working, for whatever reason. But the most reliable reason for your not getting the desired results is that you have not done the work - and you need to do it - and it will take time and focused effort! (See Learning Authentically.)
I hope you choose to do this - 'cause you ain't finished 'til you're finished, and not before then - so keep on keepin' on.
K
Is thinking rational?
"I think you live in a dream world if you're thinking that thinking is rational."
An interesting comment I got in a phone message.
It seems that there is a spectrum from no rationality, which is called insanity, on forward to some items that cannot be deal with rationally (very, very few) and being as rational as one can be, within the limits of being human. Of course, certain things are not amenable to bringing up to consciousness, where the rational brain center can then operate on it.
However, we did evolve to have an unusual gift of a higher brain, one which is capable of logic and discrimination (to check to see if things are factual). It is our greatest gift.
Yes, we probably can't "get in touch" with our livers and then instruct them on what to do, but we can rationally do everything around that which we are capable of, from reducing stress to changing nutrition to ... And certain reactions are instinctual, such as blushing or even "excitement" stimulated by some evolved response system.
In some way, we process data according to a pattern that may be built in and/or habitual PLUS we can use our rational minds to intentionally process data to improve our results in life. The mistake many people make, out of misunderstanding, is to generalize the idea that emotions "seem to be" in charge or that they just come about with no control and no ability to influence them.
Of course, in any one circumstance they may not be 100% controllable, but surely we are able to observe what happened (an emotion just popped up and it felt "bad") and then to choose to act on it, especially when we've trained ourselves to do so instead of going "belly up" and doing a victim act (I'm just a victim of my emotions - NOT!).
Since most things involve a sequence, we can intervene in the sequence when we note that something is "off", such as when we feel bad, which indicates that something is done wrongly and/or that a belief is false. (Until one is more educated in how things work, one can still believe in "the mystical" - and not see that all of it is mechanical, using biochemicals and electricity to cause something - and to form patterns in our brain to bring back up when something associated happens - these are 'thoughts' which we must learn are just thoughts and not facts. The 700 lb. woman on Doctor Oz, after losing 120 lbs remarked that one major realization for her was that "thoughts aren't facts!")
If a person was proactive, acting as soon as possible, and noted that something didn't work and then dug into the beliefs behind it AND then "solved it" with an updated correct belief that would work, then the person would eliminate 80 - 99% of false beliefs - and live a much better life! Note that people who are problem free and very strong emotionally and mentally are the ones who complete and solve things right away, leaving no crap behind.
For now I cannot see another way around it. It seems that one must be educated in the basics of how things work - and spend time learning "Problem Solving" as a key, vital, essential skill that will enable a person to become happy (happiness is an emotion, but also it can be a long-term trained way of thinking that repeats through self-designed triggers to achieve happy emotions, such as feeling fulfilled, prosperous, fortunate, solid, strong).
The question is: Will you do this - and will you do it with sufficient mastery?
If you will, I guarantee you happiness. If you don't, you'll continue to operate in life with alot of unsolved, unresolved problems and beliefs.
Your choice,
Keith
Read the sections: Link from Life Management Contents/Links into the Basic Life Skills, in sequence: Learning Authentically
Thinking Effectively
Effective Decision-Making And Problem Solving
An interesting comment I got in a phone message.
It seems that there is a spectrum from no rationality, which is called insanity, on forward to some items that cannot be deal with rationally (very, very few) and being as rational as one can be, within the limits of being human. Of course, certain things are not amenable to bringing up to consciousness, where the rational brain center can then operate on it.
However, we did evolve to have an unusual gift of a higher brain, one which is capable of logic and discrimination (to check to see if things are factual). It is our greatest gift.
Yes, we probably can't "get in touch" with our livers and then instruct them on what to do, but we can rationally do everything around that which we are capable of, from reducing stress to changing nutrition to ... And certain reactions are instinctual, such as blushing or even "excitement" stimulated by some evolved response system.
In some way, we process data according to a pattern that may be built in and/or habitual PLUS we can use our rational minds to intentionally process data to improve our results in life. The mistake many people make, out of misunderstanding, is to generalize the idea that emotions "seem to be" in charge or that they just come about with no control and no ability to influence them.
Of course, in any one circumstance they may not be 100% controllable, but surely we are able to observe what happened (an emotion just popped up and it felt "bad") and then to choose to act on it, especially when we've trained ourselves to do so instead of going "belly up" and doing a victim act (I'm just a victim of my emotions - NOT!).
Since most things involve a sequence, we can intervene in the sequence when we note that something is "off", such as when we feel bad, which indicates that something is done wrongly and/or that a belief is false. (Until one is more educated in how things work, one can still believe in "the mystical" - and not see that all of it is mechanical, using biochemicals and electricity to cause something - and to form patterns in our brain to bring back up when something associated happens - these are 'thoughts' which we must learn are just thoughts and not facts. The 700 lb. woman on Doctor Oz, after losing 120 lbs remarked that one major realization for her was that "thoughts aren't facts!")
If a person was proactive, acting as soon as possible, and noted that something didn't work and then dug into the beliefs behind it AND then "solved it" with an updated correct belief that would work, then the person would eliminate 80 - 99% of false beliefs - and live a much better life! Note that people who are problem free and very strong emotionally and mentally are the ones who complete and solve things right away, leaving no crap behind.
For now I cannot see another way around it. It seems that one must be educated in the basics of how things work - and spend time learning "Problem Solving" as a key, vital, essential skill that will enable a person to become happy (happiness is an emotion, but also it can be a long-term trained way of thinking that repeats through self-designed triggers to achieve happy emotions, such as feeling fulfilled, prosperous, fortunate, solid, strong).
The question is: Will you do this - and will you do it with sufficient mastery?
If you will, I guarantee you happiness. If you don't, you'll continue to operate in life with alot of unsolved, unresolved problems and beliefs.
Your choice,
Keith
Read the sections: Link from Life Management Contents/Links into the Basic Life Skills, in sequence: Learning Authentically
Thinking Effectively
Effective Decision-Making And Problem Solving
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