EXTREME SELF CARE THE ONLY WAY TO GO, WHEN ONE HAS LIFE WISDOM

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CORRECT YOUR EXTREME LACK OF CARE...

The title of Cheryl Richardson’s book:  The Art Of Extreme Self-Care.   This is what most people need to do, at least for awhile – in order to correct the extreme lack of care, the extreme stress, the extreme lack of self regard in the way one treats oneself.   Just trying something different, treating oneself with honor and careful nurturing shifts the table around so that the mind can get the idea that your happiness and your peace and your feeling good about life are really number one.  

You don’t have to buy the book to do it, but it’s only, at Amazon, $10.85.  Seems worth it, if you only get a few ideas or reminders on how to really care for yourself.  While women mostly are those who take on too much and put themselves last, in my opinion men could benefit from the same general idea (and will have to come up with some of their own, though a lot of the basic suggestions apply not only apply to women but also are workable for men).  

WE ARE NOT AWARE OF... KILLING OURSELVES

We’re often not fully aware of the extreme stress we put ourselves under.  Sure, we notice it and possibly say something like “well, I better do something about this sometime” (sometime when I have the time and I’m not so busy).    

We’re often not aware of the things we do to our body.  Just a little sugar to pep me up.  Just a few extra cups of coffee to keep me going.  Just a sweet, just a treat, just something to relieve me and have me feel good.  Oh, I’ll skip lunch, or breakfast or…

We are killing ourselves, some just a little at a time, many a lot at a time.  We are like gradually boiling frogs, we simply slowly boil to death in the comfortable water, floating passively as the heat is increased.  Of course, the frogs are smart enough to jump out when they are put into boiling water, but the small changes from tepid water all the way up to boiling aren’t noticeable.  That’s our lives.  Until we use the masterful strategy of “taking perspective”, we don’t “see” it – or we can wait for the “wake-up call”, where something extreme happens and we say “oh, yeah, if I keep doing this I’ll die”.  

So, while you have perspective now, while you’re looking at your boiling in the water of extreme lack of self-care, make commitments to do selected items regularly and schedule them in.  Items that are important but not urgent get put aside for the urgent.  Only by scheduling them in can the tyranny of the urgent be overcome.  (If you don't heed this, you might end up Living The Life Of A Gradually Boiling Frog.)

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

(If you want to go further continue on the web page:  Extreme Self Care.

What do I do to implement a proper self care morning routine?

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Go back to the beginning of the posts on July 3rd, to start the sequence.

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One of the very most valuable things you can do lies in "grounding and centering oneself" such that one creates a great day ahead.

The question is how do I implement that?

Read this and use the strategies and systems recommended:

Implementing Self Care - How Much? What Do I Do? And When?

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I hope that this starts you off on one of the most valuable thing you can do for yourself!!!

Keith

Self-Soothing, Self-Nurturing - A Vital Skill And Practice

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"So I put my hand on my heart and held that scared heart with a loving hand.  I put my other hand on my face and caressed it as a caring parent would."   Daniel Gottlieb, The Wisdom We Were Born With

When we begin to think that we are worthy of our own attention and love, we often have no clue about how to nurture or sooth ourselves.

But what often breaks the dam that holds us back is something as simple as:

Soothingly caressing our arm, shoulders, neck, and even "holding ourselves", as a separate loving person might.

And simply saying "there, there, all is well.  I will take care of you.  You are good and I love you."

At first that might seem awkward, but it is legitimate.  (The only downside I found to loving myself completely was that I had to keep cleaning off my lip marks on my mirror.)

Anyway, one piece, with its links, that one might consider reading and implementing would be Self-Nurturing, Self-Soothing - A Vital Skill And Practice.

When we start to do the actions of loving ourselves, we begin to free ourselves from the prison of self-criticism and blame.  And something beautiful comes in to replace them...

Keith

Where do we draw the line: Selflessness, self sacrifice, self care?

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In the bid to be worthy and "good", we often seek to become selfless and to contribute massively.  Yet we often set ourselves up for unhappiness and a set up that does not truly deliver the best value to ourselves AND also not to others.

Some of this is from "playing small" at life, because of having to seek approval and be seen as good.

And much of it is from the loss of power of not being fully charged up and from not being fully happy and powerfully self-determined.

It saddens me to see that.

I looked into where and how people get such extremely debilitating ideas.

And this is what I think...so far. Does God Want Us To Self-Sacrifice To The Point Of Suffering Or Doing Harm To Ourselves?   (No, it isn't for religious people; but I start from such sources as the origin of the idea and the morality wrappings and the guilt and misunderstandings we create about it.)

Are there other viewpoints and facts that indicate otherwise?   Let me know if that is so.

Towards your thinking fully about your life and making those decisions that fully empower yourself,

Keith

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YOUR JOB: NURTURING, CREATING PEACE AND RESERVES FOR YOURSELF

You have moved and now have a mess - and a feeling of urgency to get everything organized and found. But the "feeling or urgency" is only a concept not a reality - as most things could be put off for an extra day and make no difference in one's life. In fact, they can be spread on purpose over a longer period, in a sort of "pacing" for the long term, just as a long distance runner would do when running a race (except that we'll also rest between races! Plus, we'll develop a smoother stride.).

Your job right now, "should you decide to accept it",* is to create nurturing for yourself and to increase what produces peace and physical reserves for yourself. That's it, for the next 30 days (with an option to extend for a lifetime). Yes, other things can be added, but not to the exclusion of those.

Nurturing includes getting rest, taking respites such as a hot bath, taking 1 minute (or up to 5) to deeply relax (and breathe), getting a massage (especially of shoulders and neck), etc....And the appropriate practice would be to start off each day with the question: "What one thing can I do for nyself today that will produce joy and/or nurturing for myself? "

One thing that fits into all the categories is taking a rejuvenation day. That can simply be a day where one does no "work" of any kind. It can be exploring the city, going to a movie, sitting in the sun for a bit, just doing what comes to mind, or whatever - it could be an intentional "be flaky" day. Once every month or two, it is an excellent idea to do some variation of the total relaxation day, where one doesn't even leave the bedroom, having set it up so that snacks and meals are instantly available, dozing off while reading (no tv however), writing in your journal if you like (having gone to bed early the night before, taking a leisurely evening walk if desired, going to sleep early again that evening). The world will not crumble if we step off for a day.

Whereas you may be used to running on the edge, attempting to maximize your day, you will now choose to build reserves and to not use them up totally, for those reserves will serve you for the long term. We are built to "surge" and then to "rest", not to surge, then surge, then surge...for our ability to handle things well will disappear with no reserve left.
Stephen Covey, in his all time best selling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, presents the idea that people need to both produce (P) and to develop their production capability (PC) or they will not be able to produce. Much like the old tale of the older lumberjack chopping down more trees by far than the younger, newer one; when the younger asked how the old guy was able to do more when the younger guy's strength was so much more and when he spent more of his time actually chopping, the older one said it was very simple: he just took the time to sharpen his saw (or axe) so that it cut more effectively. The obvious analogy is to life: increase one's ability to be effective, as the time spent in not being productive actually produces more good results in life as opposed to "running" all the time.

One of the effects, and the key missing one, is that the brain's actual physical circuitry will change. The prefrontal cortex on the right side will develop a larger capacity to actually physically screen out "nonsense" messages and also to take time to consider how to act on the nonsense messages - those are both actual, proven physical effects, where the rewiring is achieved to make things work better automatically!!!!!

Increasing your deep relaxation and/or meditation (actual or CD listening) to at least 2 times a day is imperative (except on unusual days, of course). Doing a "one minute" relaxation each hour when the automatic hourly device beeps or vibrates is an essential practice also.

We'll be dealing over time with installing a greater understanding of the "nonsense" produced by the monkey mind and developing solid philosophical changes that will replace much of that. For now, your practice of simply not allowing those thoughts and inserting anything (singing or diversion or substituted phrases like "it'll be all right for now" , "I'm ok for now", etc.) in their place will be useful.

All of this is with the long term goal in mind (which you'll probably rework and rework as this progresses) is something like: "to become (choose to be) a laid back, accepting but proactive person only doing things that pay off very well."

This will be a very fulfilling growth period for you. I am excited about it.

Keith
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*In the old version of Mission Impossible, the assignments were made via tape. The mission would be designated and then the person could choose to or not to do it and then it would add "this tape will self destruct in six seconds....". While this task is very doable, it is a task that will take due discipline and effort, but with huge payoffs. Your higher brain would definitely select the choice of having those higher payoff - but it is a choice that must be made - and a commitment must be made to do it (not perfectly, but substantially).

KEEPING COOL DURING BUSY TIMES

B -

You are going through a very stressful potentially exhausting time. And when one goes on and on with no rest, both the mental and the physical resourcefulness drop dramatically. As Jim Loehr says in his books on managing stress and creating better performance, mankind evolved to surge and then to rest and then to surge and then to rest. But we in this Western world often get caught up in surge, surge, surge, but with no rest until we fall exhausted into bed.

The result is often adrenal blowout, hypoglycemia, high anxiety, low impulse control, diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, etc. and etc.

I remember feeling I was under constant pressure, and being fatigued but still pushing through. But somehow I discovered that I did not need to constantly be dealing with what I was anxious about and that I could take 10 minute naps, as many as I needed. I could put aside my anxiety driven activity for that small period and not fold.

I started out with 3-6 of those a day, and then the need lightened up as I became healthier and less stressed. And I could not believe the difference in how I felt. My confidence in myself returned and my anxiety dropped dramatically. So, I'd recommend that you try that (or some variation of it) during this stressful period, as many times a day as possible! (It is best to use a timer, so that you'll be confident that the nap time will be appropriate. And the other thing I did was have a pen and a pad of paper to write down anything urgent on my mind, as I relaxed into oblivion.)

Let me know how this is working after two days of trying it.

I appreciate seeing you put out new positiveness and that you are expressing gratitude, as those make a difference, too.

Take extra care of yourself,

The Kahuna