RIGHT/WRONG AND BLAME - DANCING AS A METAPHOR

I think dance lessons serve to illustrate life and how it works.

You don’t know what you’re doing until you know what you’re doing. (Duh!) And when you make mistakes it tweaks Dumb and Dumber (Monkey Mind and Lizard Brain) to trigger one’s “feeling stupid” or “looking like a fool” defense mechanism. (Who, me?) And I did feel a bit incompetent, with no ability to put on a competence mask or to “look good”, so I risked looking bad, as my only choice!

But then I needed to call forth the adult in me… I just had to say “oh, well, I’m human, humans have to learn” and “maybe I can just have fun” and “maybe I’ll be better off for having learned.”
“Nobody has to be perfect.” “You will not be rejected for being a dumb person.” “Probably nobody cares if you goof. They’re probably just be self-concerned anyway. Or maybe you’ll just contribute to their feeling better about themselves, by comparison…and that’s ok.” Etc. and Etc.[1]

And then my partner/friend leaned back too much and kept pulling me off balance. My adult in me said “well, you be responsible and take up the slack, holding her stronger”. When I suggested to her that she was leaning back too far, she said she was standing up straight, so I needed to know when to stop pushing my observation (believed perception), so that it didn’t sound like a right/wrong, blame thing. (However, I did notice D & D trying to urge me to blame someone else, so ‘they’ would be “off the hook”, but my adult said “no, it is all your responsibility and others will always do something that is not perfect, so you just adjust and take responsibility for all parts…”). Ultimately, one of the instructors told her she was leaning back too far, so she was able to accept it this time. (There was no “I’m right” spoken, out loud or in my head, as I know that would imply a “wrong” on the other side, period; a rule never to be violated!)

And then my partner/friend was off the beat, moving from 5 to 6 too quickly. So I said “let’s slow down” and attempted to get the result by counting out loud. But she started instructing me on how I was supposed to be on the beat and 5 to 6 was a quick step and that I wasn’t doing it right… (My adult observed that) We both thought we had it nailed clearly , so (my adult suggested) “be sure to make sure there is no blame or implied blame in the conversation and that your statements are self responsible ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements,[2] so I followed that. And things went smoother.

And then, after two hours, it seems that one gets tired, and probably a bit prone to crankiness, but an individual at that point best does not “get to” be cantankerous or irritated – there’s no excuse for that – one must either button it up or stop (as in the HALT[3] prescription). So, my adult says “ok, you’re feeling susceptible and a bit foolish and tired and weak, but you can still be kind to yourself and others. And if you need to, go get some rest.”

Thank God that I learned to bring my adult (my thinking brain) in because Dumb and Dumber certainly would have created something not so workable. And, from my adult, I understand that others will be defensive and prone to being victim (feel picked on), so I was careful to take care of that, as there is more than one person involved in this situation!

Relevant pieces, of which you should learn thoroughly and from which you should act accordingly:

Psychology, Managing The Mind, Beliefs/Thoughts, Victimhood (click on article title to go
there and then link into the other sections)
Life Management, Power In Life, Responsibility Vs. Victimhood
Relationship, Communication, CriticismBlameVictim
Psychology, Emotion Management, Anger/Blame/Criticism

Coming soon: Role Playing As If You Were An Adult

http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/

[1] Referred to as “coping statements”. See Psychology, Internal Talk, My Utility Coping Statements.
[2] http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/ , Relationships, Communication, Criticism/Blame/Victim, NO-BLAME COMMUNICATION AND THE NO BLAME RELATIONSHIP – Explains how to communicate cleanly.
[3] Don’t act on anything important when hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Stop until you get your balance and strength back.