Demanding the other to shape up

Byron Katie, in her book "I Need Your Love - Is That True?", writes of much wisdom in regard to relationships. 

As with life, most people will find they suffer more in life when they put their "locus of control" "out there", being dependent on others and how they react to the person.  They spend lots of time interpreting the other's actions, expressions, words - often reading in 'intents' (which are, of course, non-observable, as they are only in the other person's brain) and coming up with false conclusions, but inevitably believing they are right, as most people consider themselve to be extremely perceptive and accurate). 

We make up lots of "shoulds", including expectations and beliefs about what the other should do - and then we attempt to manipulate them to give us what we want, to make them love us and do the right thing.   

Wrong!  That won't work. 

We set up barter systems and then think we are loved because the other person does what we want.  We fail to see what the source of true love really is - and it ain't the ones in the movies or in our cultural beliefs.  (You'll have to read the book to see what this means!)

And one of the manipulations we do involves anger and/or criticism of the other.  If only the other person does what we want.  If only the other person were not so smug, then you wouldn't be pissed off.  (And escalate it until it works - oops, that is really a stupid idea, but why do so many people do it?)

Well, what right do you have to be judge and jury, to be God?  And how can you see inside the other person to know that they are really thinking they are smug or  ....?

The source of our suffering in relationship is that we "demand" of others - which doesn't work, even though you might get the right response temporarily or on the surface. 

The truly loving person is not in the demand or manipulation business.  The truly loving person makes requests - and accepts whatever the answer is (for if he/she didn't that would then mean that it was actually a demand, really a "must" rather than a request).

Learn this and you'll be surprised how well your relationships will go - and you'll know what the cause is of them not going well! (And you'll, at least, stop wasting energy on having the other shape up, so you can use it in the place where control actually can be achieved, for your personal improvement.)

Read the book.  (Or you could just be insulted and blame another for placing the responsibility on you...)

K

Linking to Relationships Contents/Links, you might wish to read

1. What Is Needed To Be Learned In Relationship - Overview - and you'll know what you are missing and must do if you want a good (or great) relationship.

2. Trying To Fix, Correct, Control Others (under Communication).

3. Making Requests And Happy Negotiating (under Communication, Making Requests)

4. Perception Versus Reality (under Communication)

(Note that the cause of failure to learn is that the materials will be accumulating for "later", which never happens.  It is best to do these promptly, to at least understand the basics, even if you just scan it - and then to decide what is worthwhile to learn - and then scheduling it, with sufficient time for mastery.  If these are not helpful, then ask your professional how to proceed and what resources are needed. )