"We are all in complete control of how we spend our time and our life. If we don’t believe we are, we have an external locus of control (i.e., victim-mentality) and will remain so until we claim personal responsibility."
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As humans, we tend to jump to conclusions and miscategorize and generalize things into being "good or bad". Hardly anyone would want to be called an introvert, especially when our culture believes being an extrovert is better. But neither one is better; they are just different.
And then we also get a vital concept related to "viewpoint" mixed up in our heads, thinking that one is an extrovert because he runs his life based on what is called "external reference". We conclude that both of these reference viewpoints refer to being "connected" with other people and then we collapse the definitions together, in a mass of sloppy thinking.
So, let's look at these two vital "reference" viewpoints .
THE TWO REFERENCE VIEWPOINTS DEFINED
From How To Stay Sane, Philippa Perry: "People can be loosely put into two groups, those who externally reference and those who internally reference.
Externally referenced people are more concerned with the impression they make on other people: What do I look like? What does this look like [to others]?
Internally referenced people are more concerned with what something feels like: Do I like the feel of this or that better?
Externally referenced people want to get it right for others (so they will be accepted, impress them or be envied by them) but internally referenced people want to get it right for themselves (so they feel comfortable with themselves). "
Of course, being too far into one side could almost put a person into sociopath territory, where you has no concern over fitting in with others and their values. "Too far on the externally referenced side and we lose a sense of ourselves and become off-balance."
THE NEED FOR BOTH, BUT BALANCED IN FAVOR OF...
If we are stuck in external reference, without a balance of internal reference and awareness, we will be whipsawed around and perhaps panting for approval from others, perhaps standing on our rear paws, ready to please.
This would amount to the virtual equivalent of being controlled by others, being "at the effect of" their demands and agendas, being run by the excessive desire to please.
This can become a form of dependence and of an addiction, where even a few bones being tossed to the person once in awhile (called "intermittent reinforcement') keeps the person "hooked" and continuing down the tunnel where there is only infrequent cheese, instead of picking and choosing tunnels with reliable cheese supplies. See Why Rats Are Smarter Than People And How You Can Be Smarter.
THE CURE FOR IMBALANCE?
If one is stuck as the victim of too much external reference, one needs to learn enough to balance the scales toward being an absolutely strong internal reference person, but with sufficient external reference to assure that he/she gets along in society.
One needs to identify what truly matters in life. If one does that one will be able to see that the strongest highest value is actually that of emotional well-being. (Some see that view as being "selfish" and, erroneously, "wrong", so they have trouble "getting it" - well, they MUST "get it" or they will be aiming the wrong direction in life.)
One must do the learning to be able to switch over to The Value Mindset instead of the "busyness mindset "or the approval mindset. (The latter mindsets are similar to the "get the maximum amount of money" mindset - they do not add value to life!!! They are false values.)
Considerable effort should be put into understanding and switching from old beliefs that cause Dependency thinking and from the Approval Game (note the piece titled "I Must Not Be Disapproved Of "and the other pieces in the sidebar of the piece and read the core beliefs listed, as they are the symptoms that go along with being stuck in too much external reference where one tries to get "self esteem" through others' esteem...).
When one leaves the external reference viewpoint, he becomes the generator instead of the "generated upon" and he then controls and runs his life at a much higher level, living always in the 100% Responsibility Mindset instead of the dependency beliefs/mindset.
And then life gets to be incredibly, incredibly better. Living as Master Of Your Life is a great way to live! (Be sure you are Living Life As A Life Champion, rather than a passive passing-through-this-life person.)
I wish you the best in this transformation to stepping up to the power in which you can run a great life,
Keith
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