Unintentional "Emotional Abuse" In Relationships

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Emotional harm (abuse) to another is emotional harm, period!

It doesn't matter if one does not "intend" it!

Indeed, the saying "intentions pave the road to hell" refers not to bad intentions but not carrying through to do the "intended" action to get the desired results.  That's the way to hell!

If I intend good or I intend bad matters a little because good will is a positive indicator in people's minds and it tends to lead to good actions in the future - but it doesn't matter if one still does not follow through with what creates the good or does what creates bad.

WE LIVE AND OPERATE IN THE "REAL WORLD"

In the real world all that matters is what works to create what actually matters.  "Intended" counts zero in the world of results.

This is not an issue of good/bad morality type of judgment.   It is only about results.  And what matters most in the world is human benefit, one's own and then that of others.  

So, if one is physically abusing a spouse or a child or any other human being, we can see clearly that it is "over the line" and on the wrong side.

But so many people can't seem to see the line over which one is doing emotional harm to another, as it is not as easy to see nor understand as the more obvious physical.

We fail to spend the time to learn to be wise and aware enough to be able to spot it and to learn what it takes to not be abusive.  It is, however, our responsibility (not "obligation", but responsibility) to learn and practice what is necessary.

EMOTIONAL GARBAGE DUMPING!

The spouse often dumps his/her emotional garbage all over the other spouse, as if it were a special right of a spouse to do so when one would not even think of doing it onto others.  But garbage is garbage and we do not have the "right" to dump our garbage over the neighbor's fence - and we tend to not do that because of the push back we'd get from the neighbor.  However, unless there is clear pushback from the spouse, the garbage dumping continues.

And then there is a more subtle form of garbage transferring.

That is when a person does not handle his/her own emotional well-being, so that one accumulates a pile of toxins, which inevitably runs through the ground into the individual being who is closest.

Yes, it could be to the children, too, but it is most often to the spouse.

This as you may already know is call "emotional contagion".  (It is a common problem when a person is operating in fear in life.  This is discussed in Is It Love Or Fear?, a question we should ask ahead of time...and stop the dumping and contagion before it starts!)

RESPONSIBILITY IN THE MATTER?

And, of course, we could say "well, that is just a natural process and I am not responsible for an occurrence in the natural world".  Yes, in the true definition of responsibility, you are responsible to make sure that your response produces the desired result - and not a negative result!

Allowing the above garbage and emotional toxins is exactly the same, in effect, as injecting toxin into your spouse's emotional bloodstream.  A crime, a sin, as much as any other abuse of another's space and rights to be happy. 

INTENDING WELL, BUT, STILL...

One fellow is an example of the best "intending" sweet fellow, always apologizing, even helping a lot to curry his wife's favor and to balance the books.  He is "efforting" a lot to try to have a good, net positive relationship.  Yet he fails to see the damage nor to cognate on the fact that he needs to learn new behaviors in life.  It seems that everything else "gets in the way" so he "has to" break his commitment to better the relationship and even his commitments to go somewhere where it would be best to go as a couple.  

He is the very definition of being actually inconsiderate to his spouse, yet he asserts that he intends otherwise.  It turns out that being with her and keeping the promises to her is his last consideration, with promises and doing good for her taking last place (except in doing some lesser things that are of much less value, such as preparing a meal, but which could never amass enough total value to even hold a candle to the massive negative value that is caused to his spouse.) 

He is so upset, anxious, pressured, trying to please others, trying to not get disapproved of, doing what is asked and demanded from others - and he not only lets that take up too much time but he also lets himself get so fatigued and so emotionally depleted that he is wiped out around the house, a lifeless carcass unable to respond or even be cheery.  

And then he asks her to help him and give advice on how he can handle all of his underperformance and problems - and he seldom follows any of the advice, such that she is overwhelmed with the problems dumped onto her plate AND the negative emotions - all of which significantly depletes her emotional well-being, with significant emotional damage.  It is depriving her of happiness as sure as highway robbery.

The rest of the time is spent in bemoaning how awful things are, how he is the victim of circumstances and other people, how he can't help it.  Now that is super-direct emotional garbage dumping, sharing the toxins to have her have another day of emotional ruin for herself.  

MAY YOU SEE SOMETHING IN THIS AND HEED IT

The point of writing this is to have you ask yourself what are you doing that causes emotional harm to your spouse (or anyone close to you).   And if you are only vaguely aware that there is a problem, you might engage in a "clarification" process to see what the facts are, from asking the spouse directly and giving permission to be honest and/or going to a therapist or qualified helper of some sort.

And, then you need to learn sufficient knowledge to be able to assure that you are not doing emotional harm and to know enoUgh to be able to contribute emotional benefits (the whole point of a relationship!!!)

And ultimately you might do what some of the leaders in wisdom, such as Jack Canfield, do at least once a week: they check in with their wife for feedback and if the rating is not a full 10, they immediately do what is necessary to fix it.  (This is the opposite of what people who perform poorly in life do.  Those people don't check, don't get the facts, and then don't follow through quickly and, on top of it all, they stop short of fixing problems so that they get to reexperience the problems over and over and over and...)

So, what will you do?  Write down your plans right away.  Don't leave this as another blog with a few tidbits in it, but no results...  

Keith

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