Q: “Really, seriously now, am I good enough?”
A: “Really, seriously now, the answer is no, certainly not!”
Yes, you are a human capable of learning and doing all that is essential and important, but you are not capable of achieving “enough” if there is no clear end point to enough.
You have stumbled into the very human trap and conditioning that have caused one to:
2. Standards to judge oneself against as good enough, with:
a.. An endlessness to the vagueness of what is enough and
b. Definitely no answer to “enough for what?”
The trap is that we are endlessly trying to reach “enough” since enough is not reachable (it is endless).
WHAT IS THE WAY OUT?
The obvious, but not easy, answer is to define what is “enough” for each objective we truly need to meet to live “sufficiently well”.
And then we can add the next level up: what is “enough” to live a “good enough” life.
I define those on the site - you may wish to go ahead and do your defining first and then refer to the site or you may wish to refer to the site to get more specific items to consider. (You might start at How Much Is Enough For Me?, which is my own answer. It then links into the master page on the subject.)
But, please, do not skip this step, as that will leave you stuck in an endless loop of feeling bad about not being good enough - a terrible way to live life.
WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS IF I CONTINUE AS IS?
Being “in the question”, in itself feels bad, but it also causes one to do things that will displace other things of value in life because it takes time to play the game of “trying to be good enough”. (Ref. The Law Of Displacement - Insert The Higher Stuff, Instead!)
Some play this game in life by spending a huge amount of time avoiding even small mistakes, perhaps even seeking perfection in what they do, as those, they fear, may “prove one to be short of being good enough”. [Note that “good enough for what?” still goes unanswered.] So, one does not spend enough time on things that would add good positive emotions to our emotional tank.
The effect of feeling bad and the effect of the anxiety and effort in trying to watch everything one does, all at once, is a huge depletion of (positive) emotional reserves.
In that deficit condition, one becomes more desperate because the primitive mind is noting that it is “too close for comfort” to going over the edge into a true depletion, down to nothing - and that, to the primitive mind, is very threatening to survival. The primitive mind must recruit all the forces and resources it can in order to prevent that from happening or even from being too far out of the solidly functioning range the body and mind must be in for good survival - it must always, with no real option otherwise, try to get us back into the H-Zone (homeostasis). One cannot afford to ignore the chief law that governs the automatic functioning of the body and mind - homeostasis cannot be violated without repercussions.
Besides thinking that oneself is not good enough, one sets it up so that noncontrollable sources must be recruited to help “prove” that one is good enough (i.e. not so bad that one is not seen to be “unworthy”). They seek to get proof from “out there”, but it somehow seems to never be enough, as more is always needed until it is “enough”, which it never is. Indeed, their lives are controlled by “out there” (circumstances, other people) and thus they are the victims of life and not the victors!
At the hard core, the “not good enough” person is a prisoner of having to stay on high alert and do maximum effort to gain from others the ap-prove-al they “need”. And, of course, from evolution, we are programmed to feel good about getting approval - and that is all good and fine as long as we are not hungry for it and anxious about it. A nice bonus is always good - but if it is an addiction, one will be forever stuck in the addictive cycle of ups and downs and destructive harmful behaviors and thinking.
In this cycle, you are stuck in being a slave to gaining approval instead of living life to gain what is truly of value in life. [Of course, you must also define what is of value - and please do not put on that list “getting approval”, for that is mixing up a possible “means” with the true “ends” that we want, those things that are truly of value. Do the value exercises starting here with an overall briefing and then following the path set up for you.]
WHAT DOESN’T WORK
No matter how many “affirmations” of “I am great!” or “I am good enough!” or “I am worthy!”, you will never get there by saying something that you do not actually see as true - you can never reach “great enough”, “good enough”, or “worthy” if it is undefined and therefore unreachable!!!
We cannot try to “overpower” the fear. We must go deeper than that, by following the suggested exercises.
[I must note at this point that we can avoid all this useless correcting of what is wrong, the “not adding” to our emotional reserves, and all the anxiety and feeling bad, simply by correcting the vicious circle (the vicious chain) at the core cause of it all!!!!! Of course, that is the basic erroneous belief/assumption we started off talking about.]]
ANOTHER “SIDE” EFFECT
And, on top of all of the above, we add the effect of having few emotional reserves. When the reserves are low, there is a hair trigger that causes one to go after “quick hits” of either relief from the unpleasantness of one’s own thoughts and/or seeking distractions and/or immediate pleasure in an attempt to fill the emotional hole.
As a result, one cannot focus on or stay on a path of progress - and so the person lives a “zig-zag” no progress life, keeping all the old problems unsolved while stacking even more on the top. He/she has trouble completing the work to solve a problem or even following through on what is needed to do anything that takes much work.
WHERE TO INTERVENE
So the question, as is always the case in a causal chain, is “where do we intervene?”, and implicitly connected to that “where is the most effective place to intervene in the chain?”
I think that we must revise the whole basis for the bad set of derived beliefs, false dangers, and harmful behaviors.
We must learn and then define for ourselves what is enough.
When?
Now, immediately, or at least as soon as possible!
To what degree?
Well, 80% would be great and a worthy objective that is very easily reached.
I would suggest that one would best go “all the way” to a full understanding of “the enough” concept.
But, since you are time limited and may not be able to become fully enlightened real soon, the “best for now” would be to write out what is “enough” as you define it and then install it into you by reading it daily (or at least a summary).
Note, however, that when we set a clear definition of what is enough and lower our expectations down to reality levels, that we then need also to maximize our understanding of what we do have already, as that will help fill our “tank” of “enoughness” and to close The Unhappiness Gap that we have created over our lives.
IMAGINE…
Imagine going into community meetings afraid that some authority figure will not be impressed with you and may even withdraw or not give his support to you. Imagine how tense you would feel if you are doing hyper self checking. Imagine you are concerned about how you hold your hand, how you stand, whether you have an intelligent look on your face... Will everybody like me? Will I look powerful enough (or pretty enough or competent enough or...ad infinitum)?
And then afterwards, imagine that such a person then puts himself through the angst and agony of saying “was I good enough?” to which he always answers “no, I goofed here and that person must have thought this… and… and… and…” (then he reviews all the instances of possibly being short of perfection or some unreasonable expectation) (Imagine what it would be like on the other end, having to listen to that person in his writhing about.)
BEING DRIVEN
One fellow holds himself out as “not being competitive” since that would mean he was less than “good” in others’ eyes. So he is not “aggressively” or directly competitive, but he seeks to perform perfectly or at such a high level as to be admired. He has this intense drive to do it super weLl.
He comes up with more good ideas, by far (since he is intensely motivated), and achieves far more than others (or seeks to, despite his undertow of impaired emotions and false beliefs)...he overworks himself down into the ground and at huge costs to himself and to those closest to him, much damage to his personal life, all so that he can seek to assure that he will get approval and/or avoid disapproval… [That sounds preposterous. And it is a preposterous way to live and think in life.]
WOULDN’T SUCH A LIFE BE AWFUL?
Imagine trying to live a life where any of those scenarios are true. Wouldn’t it be awful? Although most people aren’t as extreme as the person in the previous example, most people are living some degree of this life-harmful way of being (being always short and not good enough, having to be a people pleaser, having to get approval and lots of it...).
HOW ABOUT THIS, INSTEAD?
Imagine instead the person who is running his/her life very well, with little effort and with grace and calmness, who can honestly say “well, that was good enough, that was enough to give me good enough value. Now what else can I do that will give me good value.” [The “not good enough” person will, instead, think of something he she must do to solve the always ongoing ever-present problem of not “being enough” and then use up the time (that could have been used for high value) in a low payoff, low value way..]
That person would do, first, only that which would assure the base level of performance needed that might actually affect his/her survival. And that person would show up at the event, thinking “I know I can operate in the range of “okness” socially, perhaps not impressing but “good enough” not to cause a real problem…and if anyone thinks poorly of me that is strictly that person’s poor thinking. And, of course, if something does actually matter, then I’ll handle it, but I’ll not waste my time upfront being compulsively, unthinkingly anxious about it!” “I will not give up my life for foolish avoidance of disapproval!!!” “I am, bottomline, an ok person.”
This person will have done the sane thing, starting from the culturally induced belief of “I’m not good enough” and then putting his/her thinking into a logical, thought-out order. From that thinking, he will only focus on doing those things that are controllable - and thus he has a better chance of successfully getting what he wants, and not being dependent on someone else’s opinion or approval! He/she will have put definition, definiteness, and clarity into his/her life, including figuring out what is “enough” (and writing it out and installing it!!!!).
No more impossible (or unlikely reached) expectations. No more living in undefined, vague beliefs and feelings of fear and anxiety and dependency.
Now living in a life of freedom and seeking true value in life as the primary objective of life.
Of course!!!!
What sane person would choose otherwise?!!!
WILL YOU?
Will you do what is necessary to "close the gap":
And then install it.
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