The Worst Mistake In Life

(Click on the title of the post to read the entire post.)

I am currently working on the grit, perseverance, self control, willpower, discipline matrix.  Besides the techniques to use to effectively put them in place, one must, absolutely know that one can control what is in life!  One person quoted in the book Grit nails it:  “I really do believe people develop theories about themselves and the world, and it determines what they do.”  Amen.  And please know that we often develop those as children, not yet knowledgeable enough to know better and without full reasoning ability, so they make wrong conclusions, which should never remain unquestioned and unexamined nor uncorrected!!!  It’s not your fault for not yet knowing better, but it is your life that is affected severely, so it is yours to correct - or else!

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So, it seems that Daniel, an early bright super achiever All-American model boy, somehow was triggered into a “model of thinking” where his very life “seemed” at stake if he didn’t measure up to an (unrealistic) standard.   The standard was not set as a standard, per se, but as a level to never go below, since it meant “seemingly” dire consequences.  

Those consequences were not so much the failure itself, as they became “consequences” measured in terms of what other people of authority or power or credibility thought of him.  Thereafter, having not reexamined his beliefs, he managed to not finish his Master’s thesis because it could never seem to be good enough (a clear pattern of behavior in his life).  The spectre of failure paralyzed him.  He never got the degree, although he had done very well in his classes.

We all “fail”, and that is ok and, indeed, a part of life experienced when we do not yet “know enough”.  If that condition of “not knowing enough” is converted into “I will not be able to control my life, then one is stuck in a morass of helplessness and hopelessness.  In that condition, one fails to learn what it would take to control something and create the desired effect in life because one only does learning to a limited degree, enough to gain approval.  Because of fearful thinking in general, a helpless feeling person will often stop short, because the contemplation of the problem is too much emotionally for them, so they seek distractions and relief and most often stop short in their learning.

The approval is the objective, and the person will often get disconnected from the benefits and consequences (other than approval as a consequence).  

Anyway, this core belief has kept him in fear of disapproval for his whole life, as it went unexamined, at least not examined “enough” to overcome it.  Shame, guilt, defensiveness (which he doesn’t recognize even when told it, as he was “merely explaining”), procrastination, paralysis, indecision (I must make a perfect decision, instead of using “good enough” to get the results) and lots of anxiety.  (Anxiety is the emotion related to not knowing problems and circumstances can be successfully dealt with.)

Marty Seligman (Authentic Happiness book) and his cohorts call the umbrella this is under “learned helplessness”.  That simply is the belief that one cannot adequately control one’s life (and that it is more in control of others and/or of circumstances and/or not changeable).   “Existentially” this means that one’s life “seems” threatened because one “feels” one cannot adequately control it (aka “not competent enough to run my life and deal with what is in it”).  That threat, if it were real, would, indeed, affect one’s ability to survive (i.e. still exist).   

Two problems:  Lack of confidence, as a killer of life, but also the aim is to control a not totally controllable factor:  other people’s approval instead of one’s own.

Accordingly, there are two beliefs that must be examined and taken all the way to extinction and replacement.

The final beliefs to end up with would look like these:

I can manage my life, as I can learn anything anybody else has done successfully.  I need only see what isn’t going right, acknowledge that it is not “me, in a stuck unchangeable way, but it is my just having not yet learned what is needed.  There is no fault, only missing knowledge!

I am self sufficient and can create all I need in life, so I am not at all dependent on others’ approval.  If someone does not approve of me or what I do, that is only a possible sign of something to look at, but mostly it is just a reflection of who they are, for I am definitely “good enough” (i.e. able to manage my life well enough).  [Of course, some people have not yet learned to manage their lives well enough, so they are “not good enough” in that way, though their basic capabilities are, in fact, definitely good enough to learn the skills necessary to manage their lives.]  

Leaving in place our beliefs that are ruining or diminishing our life and emotional happiness is a great sin to oneself and makes no sense, for it destroys our lives.  It MUST be solved.  This is not optional.  This is not an “I’ll do it later” task.  It is a do it asap, for sure.  Right now.  And it is first priority until it is finished off to a “good enough level “ (and then it is still worthwhile to continue to learn).

How do I do it?

In guided, supervised, immersion learning and solving manner is the best, such as in The Hoffman Institute.  Or using a “thinking straightener” expert: a cognitive behavior therapist.

And, of course, you can follow programs such as those on The Site.

See, and fully digest, A Sense Of Control Vs. Helplessness.  Particularly note the symptoms of a person operating from some degree of helplessness or “lack of power”.

Will you choose to solve this, once and for all?

I sincerely hope so, as it is possibly the biggest ruiner of life if you don’t do it and, accordingly, the greatest life enhancer if you do it - your life going forward will be experienced dramatically differently - and you’ll also be much more effective in getting what you want out of life!