Classify everything into these two categories

Click on the title of this email to see the whole post....

I thought at one time that “is it love or fear?” was too much of a simplification.  But now I see that putting something into the right category can be very useful, IF we add in one main rule on how to use it.

Abraham-Hicks takes this all the way to where it should be... seemingly extreme, but the ideas are valid.

You are disempowered when in fear - and that is a very poor condition to live in!

Fear = unhappiness
Love = happy feeling, going towards what is wanted

How much time do you want to spend in the fear category?

The minimum.

How can I do that?

Never speak it, never use the fear/lack languaging.

Don’t entertain a fear/lack thought even for a moment

     Shift immediately to “having” thoughts

          1.  Of what I do want and how I can get it (the past is gone, gone,    
               gone!)!  (Daydream, begin to write ideas for a plan)

           2. Of what I do have!

(We’ll be completing the piece on the exact steps/tactics to actually DO this, so sign up for the blog’s email list to be notified.)

Follow the absolute rule:

     Only access a “fear”/lack/negative thought it when you are going to use it to create a  
     resolution/solution!  See  5% On Problems, 95% On Solutions - And Watch Your Life Take Off!.
     (Be sure always to write down a negative thought always, to make it more black and white and for
      correcting or dealing with later when in your “right mind”.  Be sure it, or a copy of it, is in your
      chronological journal.)

Buy this book!

99 cents:   Love Yourself

Short and very impactful, turning his whole life around..

(Kindle is downloadable for free on any computer or device.) 

As a man, here's what making love means to me...plus lots more on being skilled at "relationships"

(In an email, click on the title of the post to read the entire post.)

I found this piece on the site, from when I did a lot of writing and gathering on what makes relationships work (some of it motivated by what wasn't working at the time).

I reread it and thought it was good...and touching...as it addresses a core "issue" and "need"...

(These are all in Word, which will download onto most computers as readable text.  If not, use the free  Microsoft Word Reader.)

AS A MAN, HERE’S WHAT MAKING LOVE MEANS TO ME

=-)

Oh, here's another I found (fairly explicit)  The Truly Loving Woman.

From the other viewpoint:  WHAT A WOMAN WANTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

And an interesting site page:  The Gender-Based Differences - Vital Knowledge To Have A Good/Great Relationship.

If you are not at the level of 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 or at 4 or 5 on a scale of 1 to 5 on relationships skills, you are shortchanging both yourself and your partner.  Consider:  Checklist/Checkup For A Healthy, Happy Relationships - Making The Intimate Relationship Work Very, Very Well.

You might want to consider this:  Learning And Mastering "Relationships - Essential To Your Happiness.

You can, of course, cherry pick the pieces of interest from the contents/links sections in each major topic area, starting from Relationships - Contents/Links.  Note the Resources section of that contents page, perhaps picking off the top 3 books of those recommended (and already prioritized).  Consider reading the top 3 books prioritized in the site piece: Love Making - Honoring It And Having It Be Fully Fulfilling.
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Consider passing this onto others, via social media and/or to specific individuals via the little white envelope (with the arrow), right below this post.

Write your letter of SELF-compassion - it is a life changer...

(Click on the title of the post in an email to see the entire post.)

Writing a letter of self compassion to yourself has been proven to cause a significant shift in how one views oneself AND to have lasting effects on how happy a person feels and how he/she treats and sees him/herself.

Read the following and then try it and see for yourself.  

Your Letter Of Self Compassion.

_________________________________________________

There is practically no human on the planet who could not benefit from having (more) self-compassion. I hope you will pass this on to others for their use. Just click on the little white envelope right below this piece to share it.

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As always, any suggestions, comments, questions, etc. are welcome. If you know of other related materials that could be useful to people please do let me know. (Contact)

A reminder of the humanity of it all...

(Click on the title of the post to see the entire post.)

Gimme Shelter - A true story, a little gem of a movie.   Trapped, escaping, no where to go, but...

Beautiful, touching, at times repelling, the ugliness of humanity mixed with the deep goodness, the messiness, the human drama that is life, in feelings, vulnerabilities, the love, the connection, the passions - all so very moving.   And it all melds into this mess that has underneath it the beauty of life.

Watch it in its twists and turns, and in the truth of it.  It'll remind you of the wonder of life. 

Unrealistic expectations in relationships...

"Our current relationship difficulties also stem from a cultural source – which we call ‘Romanticism’. We’ve collectively given ourselves a deeply problematic Romantic picture of what good relationships should be like: we dream of profound intimacy, satisfying sex, an absence of secrets and only a modicum of conflict. This faith in love is touching, but it carries with it a tragic flaw: having high expectations can turn out to be an enemy of workable mature relationships."

Interesting quote from:  The School Of Life 

See The Effects Of Expectations In Life And Relationships.   Learn realistically about Relationships, and Making Love , for we go through life guessing and reading minds (moans?) and then assuming and then repeating what doesn't work.  

WHY COULDN'T YOUR PARENTS HAVE LOVED YOU ENOUGH AND TAUGHT YOU BETTER?

((If you receive this by email, click on the title to see the full posting.)

[Throughout this piece are links to valuable pieces for understanding life and how to lead it.  Those will take up many hours, but I suggest that it will be immensely worth it!!]

[Notice that the above title applies, most probably, to about 99% of us, with many of us only being partially aware of it being in the background conversation that determines our life.  And quite a few people hold this as a major theme in their lives - those people MUST solve this.  AND everyone could benefit from clearing up this "ultimate misunderstanding".]

STUCK IN THE SPIRAL

I know a fellow who is "eternally" seeking to finally win his father's approval, though his father is dead and the authority figures he seeks it from cannot give enough to him.  Although he worked extremely hard for fear of being fired, neglecting his family and his own emotional well-being, he is retired now and caught up in the same thing - what you might call his "eternal treadmill", not unlike that of Sissyphus.  

I know a very dear, precious, delightful woman who is still stuck in the concept of not having been properly loved by her mother (and perhaps her father?) and how her mother caused so much stress in her life and restrictions and fears...

AND, if they don't change their perspective and understanding and don't learn "life wisdom", they will be stuck with those stories and their effects on their lives

SOME TRUTH...

AND, though there is some truth to their inability to do "the right job", mostly they (and we) are caught up in the "mental constructs" that Buddha talks about, where we create in our mental world something that is simply "made up" and misunderstood and often harmful to our happiness.

First of all, perhaps, is that we are caught up in unrealistic, and often idealistic, expectations of how skillful our parents "should have" been and how capable of loving us the right way they "should have" been. 

But we fail to understand that we are all on a path that was largely predetermined by the input of one's caregivers (and even the caregivers of their caregivers, and so on...) and the limited amount of "extra" time they had for learning life skills and life wisdom.  

ONLY A FRACTION OF...

The fact is that they were at only a fraction of the capability that they could have been at, but they were not to blame for that, as they simply started on a path that was not capable of reaching the heights of wisdom - a higher path was not even conceivable in their minds at all.

They simply did the unskillful best that they could, given the level of their awareness and of their limited knowledge.  

THEY "TRIED"...

They tried hard, I assure you, but were also caught up in "conflicting needs", many of which were understandably selfish, as they, too, like you, struggled unknowledgeably and with lack of wisdom throughout their lives.  They had very little room to be the perfect loving parents to us - they didn't even know how to love a child as he/she should be loved nor to guide a child as he/she should be guided and taught.  

They tried to love you as best they could.  As a child, you truly needed to know that they loved you and you feared that they might not - and if they didn't, it could lead to disastrous consequences - we might be left in the cold to starve to death (or whatever virtually equivalent emotional story).  

But, you might note, they did you "the really, really huge favor" of keeping you alive until you were an adult, capable of living on your own.  Surely that is the greatest gift of all!  D'ya think!

BUT, WHO IS IT UP TO NOW?

Ultimately, what is the truth and reality is that you are the very one who, as an adult, can be the one to love you, unconditionally.  You are the only vital source, with everything else being a bonus if you get the approval, love, or cross-dependence that feels good.  Note how good a job you, yourself are doing at loving you - where you have the most at stake rather than having it be about a person once-removed from you (outside of you but closely connected, such as a child).  Note how you often are a very bad friend to even yourself, even a criticizer, misunderstander, hater, judger, etc. - so how can you expect a quantum leap up from that from your parents, who probably even knew less than you???

It is, at least now, up to you to do all the key loving of yourself and to simply drop the idea that your parents should've done a better job.  [Notice that I did not say that you should "forgive" them.  They simply did the best they could and could have done no better than what they knew how to do - so there is no fault and no reason to blame them!  And, if one does not blame a person or "hold them at fault", then there is no forgiveness that is needed, or even appropriate.  It is you have to correct your faulty understanding, not them that you have to forgive.  People say you should forgive them for your "selfish" peace of mind, but what you really need to do for your peace of mind is to see that there is nothing to forgive (or resent) in the first place!!]

YES, THE "COULDN'T"

So, bottomline, they could not have loved you more than they did AND you don't NEED to have them to have loved you then or now, as you can be perfectly happy taking care of and loving yourself - and you can learn how to do those two things, you can gain the wisdom to do that.  

It is now up to you - and you only!

NOW, ABOUT THE BAD ADVICE AND THE HARM...

Now, for the matter of them having given bad advice (at least enough "bad advice" to have disappointed you compared to your unrealistic expectations), let's clear that up.

Whatever happened, happened.  That part is over - fini!  You got bad advice to some extent and/or good advice and guidance was surely missing to some extent.  

But there is no fault for them not having done better.  

There is only the future now, where you can take the advice they gave you and examine it to see what is true and beneficial and what is false and/or harmful.  

It is up to you to correct the wrong beliefs you have and to replace them with powerful, correct, workable beliefs.  (See The Beliefs Change Processes.)

AND NOW "THE INTERVENTION"

And it is my intention (though I want you to do this for others, too) to be an intervening force in your inevitable momentum that has you stuck living the same old life, progressing slowly, if at all.   It is my intention to change that momentum by somehow convincing you that you will find much value and much happiness from truly seeing the value of constantly increasing your wisdom, so that you not only have more of an upwardly progressing line in life, but an accelerating upward curve of wisdom and its directly mirroring happiness level.  

They gave bad advice or whatever.  That is your starting point and hopefully not your ending point, not the point you leave yourself at.  They could not have conceivably done better.  But... They only knew what they knew and not more.  They only had left to them the few attention units they could afford to give you after the great majority of their attention units were used up by their struggles to survive well.  They did not know how to live life at a wise level, so they incurred and wasted a lot of attention units on the wrong things, on fears they could've known were not real or at least not any big deal, on problems they created and then had to solve or get "relief" from, etc. - and the result is that there was little left for you.  

Now it is up to you not to make the same mistake as they made.  It is up to you, as expeditiously as possible, to get on the life-learning upward trajectory where you can be at a level of happiness that is, most likely, beyond that you might have thought possible. 

Will you now leave behind your "stories" about how they let you down, didn't love you enough, and/or left you stuck with beliefs and emotional/operational handicaps that lowered, or ruined, your life.  Once you know that those are mere stories, merely things you "made up" in your mind based on false mental constructs, you can let them go, stop many of the unhappiness producers and unhappiness sustainers.  Actually, you can "disappear" them, as they weren't really true or real in the first place!!! 

And move on to a glorious life where you will not "stop short" of doing that learning that will, in fact, dissolve your "problems" and have you creating an abundance of happiness!!!!  

Follow this Sure Path To The Greatest Life and choose to Live Life As A Life Champion.  

________________________________________

This is also on the website at:  Why Couldn't Your Parents Have Loved You Enough And Taught You Better?.

Can I Be Happy Without Love? Is Love A "Need"?

(If you receive this via an email, click on the title to go to the full posting on the blog.)

An excellent proactive site user, after explaining what is going on in the user's life, asks:

"My question is..

1.  Is love really such an important factor in life...or is it over hyped?

2.  Can one lead a happy healthy life..without love?

3.  If the answer to my second question is Yes, then my next question is....How?

4.  If the answer to my second question is No...then I would like to know.. how and where can one experience this thing called love?

Sorry, that's four questions!

I know you are not a counselor..but I ask you these questions since you are such an evolved person.

It would be interesting to hear your view point  :)"

The answer, which is fairly long, is given on The Site:  Is Love A "Need"?  Can I Be Happy Without Love?. 

There are a lot of concepts that you can link to from this piece.  Many of them are essential for you to understand in order to have healthy relationship interactions and, independently, in order to have a solid foundation for a happy life.

I hope that this article serves you very well and adds a significant understanding of life and how it works.  

Keith

How can you really make a meaningful impact on others and even the world?

[If you are receiving this by email, remember to click on the title to go to the whole piece on the blog.]

Watch the video to see how to make the greatest impact (5 minutes).  Very touching.

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How can you really make a meaningful impact on others and even the world?

In arranging meetings, doing community activities, helping people?  

Perhaps, a little, but the real meaning and impact is, in my opinion, unquestionably in directly impacting and changing another's life.  

To be able to do that, one must work on learning and doing that which will inspire others through seeing you as a role model, plus you must actively engage in educating others on what to do to improve their lives such that they are living not just an ordinary life, but an extraordinary life of great happiness and fulfillment..

Watch this video:   A Teacher Tells His Class About His Hero...And...

Then make your decision about whether you want to do what is necessary to be able to have that kind of impact.

Doing this is ALWAYS worth your while, as your entire life will be transformed to a much greater level of being, as it will cause you to lead a much higher level of happiness and fulfillment.

Nothing...absolutely nothing...matches this in true impact on your life AND on the lives of others.  (Forget everything else, as all the multitude of activities you can do to benefit others will not even add up to a small fraction of what you can do if you directly impact others' lives!!!!!)

[The path to doing this is this very same path:   The Only Path To The Greatest Life.  Do this and life will be your oyster!]

Demanding the other to shape up

Byron Katie, in her book "I Need Your Love - Is That True?", writes of much wisdom in regard to relationships. 

As with life, most people will find they suffer more in life when they put their "locus of control" "out there", being dependent on others and how they react to the person.  They spend lots of time interpreting the other's actions, expressions, words - often reading in 'intents' (which are, of course, non-observable, as they are only in the other person's brain) and coming up with false conclusions, but inevitably believing they are right, as most people consider themselve to be extremely perceptive and accurate). 

We make up lots of "shoulds", including expectations and beliefs about what the other should do - and then we attempt to manipulate them to give us what we want, to make them love us and do the right thing.   

Wrong!  That won't work. 

We set up barter systems and then think we are loved because the other person does what we want.  We fail to see what the source of true love really is - and it ain't the ones in the movies or in our cultural beliefs.  (You'll have to read the book to see what this means!)

And one of the manipulations we do involves anger and/or criticism of the other.  If only the other person does what we want.  If only the other person were not so smug, then you wouldn't be pissed off.  (And escalate it until it works - oops, that is really a stupid idea, but why do so many people do it?)

Well, what right do you have to be judge and jury, to be God?  And how can you see inside the other person to know that they are really thinking they are smug or  ....?

The source of our suffering in relationship is that we "demand" of others - which doesn't work, even though you might get the right response temporarily or on the surface. 

The truly loving person is not in the demand or manipulation business.  The truly loving person makes requests - and accepts whatever the answer is (for if he/she didn't that would then mean that it was actually a demand, really a "must" rather than a request).

Learn this and you'll be surprised how well your relationships will go - and you'll know what the cause is of them not going well! (And you'll, at least, stop wasting energy on having the other shape up, so you can use it in the place where control actually can be achieved, for your personal improvement.)

Read the book.  (Or you could just be insulted and blame another for placing the responsibility on you...)

K

Linking to Relationships Contents/Links, you might wish to read

1. What Is Needed To Be Learned In Relationship - Overview - and you'll know what you are missing and must do if you want a good (or great) relationship.

2. Trying To Fix, Correct, Control Others (under Communication).

3. Making Requests And Happy Negotiating (under Communication, Making Requests)

4. Perception Versus Reality (under Communication)

(Note that the cause of failure to learn is that the materials will be accumulating for "later", which never happens.  It is best to do these promptly, to at least understand the basics, even if you just scan it - and then to decide what is worthwhile to learn - and then scheduling it, with sufficient time for mastery.  If these are not helpful, then ask your professional how to proceed and what resources are needed. )

The Healthy Person's View Of Life

We often approach life from the point of view of having to solve our difficulties and problems, but most of those are merely figments of our imagination based on false beliefs.

If we operate without those false beliefs, we have a healthy viewpoint of life, as it actually is, with its opportunities and incredible blessings which we get to experience through our incredible brain. 

If you read The Healthy Person's View Of Life, you'll note that it is not based on how circumstances show up in our life nor on being dependent on other people.  

The Healthy Person merely "goes for it" - just works on creating that which makes him or her happy.

And without all the periphery, made-up struggles from false beliefs, life becomes easy and almost effortless...and we create alot of happiness for ourselves...

We are truly blessed with this opportunity and all that is in the physical world....



(See also the section called One's View Of Life.)  

HOW TO NOT BE HAPPY - OR TRY THE OPPOSITE

In my recent conversation with a person who described herself as "depressed", I could certainly see the reason for that self-description, as it would have applied to anyone who was saying those same things. We as humans are very similar, so we are affected similarly by what we say, do, and think. AND we also (per the studies) are terrible predictors of what will make us happy!!!!

So, her description was that she needed social interaction and approval (and love) from other people in order to be happy. Or, the other side of this statement, 'I can't be happy without those." And she "knows" this is a "need," because so many others agree with it.

Neither statement meets the "Is it true?" test. Look at the list of what the scientific studies have proven actually make people happy. Nowhere on that list does it say that we must meet this popularly believed "need" in order to be happy!!!!!

One can be perfectly happy without having anything that depends on the "out there" and/or depends on the uncontrollable ("out there"). Indeed, controlling what you can control is one of "the secrets" of a happy, productive life - or alternatively 'not trying to control what you cannot control'. Setting yourself up to depend on getting something from an unreliable source is the set up for unhappiness!

Read the list to see that what I say above is true. Then consider reading the entire main module (only about 30 pages typewritten - such a big payoff for so little effort).


Excerpt from http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/ , Psychology, Happiness, "Main Module: How To Become Happy" (to link, click on article title, at top) :

STUDIES OF HAPPINESS

Studies clearly show happiness does not come from the outside but from the inside. But we spend all or most of our time seeking it from the outside, with little positive effect.

Have no effect (or very, very little):

Physical attractiveness, being “cool”, education, intelligence, climate, race, gender, increases in money beyond subsistence, having things, high accomplishments, childhood events[1]

Have moderate effect:

Hope (as part of a study on religion), avoiding negative events and negative emotions.
Possibly a moderate effect, but not proven to be causal: Marriage, rich social life, social intelligence.

Have a high effect:

Developing optimism style and positive viewpoint
Learning thought control and creating thoughts anew
Gratitude
Using your signature strengths – creating gratifications (instead of temporary pleasures)
Personal and social intelligence (knowledge of self and of others)
Consistently exercising kindness and generous actions
Good memories

[1] What you think and made up about these events would affect your personal happiness, but there is no proven net effect on average.

IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE POSSIBLE?

Q. This (referring to someone tending orchids as a huge hobby) takes a tremendous amount of time, and I'd much prefer to spend my time experiencing unconditional love!!! I know that some people don't believe that unconditional love is possible. What do you think?

A. I know it is possible, though the irony of it is that it must, in my opinion, start through a process of "conditionality". I don't think we can unconditionally love everybody in the deeper, non-trivial, sense. I can look at someone and be non-judgmental (which is often what people seem to think is "unconditional", but there is a nuance of difference), for I know they are doing the best they can given the current limits of their awareness - but I won't necessarily want to be around that person alot.

Once we get "the right basic conditions" (such as basic compatibility, including lifestyles merging ok with freedom to do as one wishes but also coming [so to speak] together at times to express fondness and closeness and to connect with the other's emotions and feelings about the day and life), then I think (and what I want) is that we can totally be unconditional, knowing that our basic conditions are met (for instance, one "condition" would be to not treat each other with anger, not criticize, not blame, be responsible for one's emotions and actions from those emotions - I believe that is who you are: nonjudgmental and unconditionally loving and totally self responsible [of course, there will be moments of slipping on banana peels or trying to park backwards, but those are all "so whats", as the only important thing is how we treat each other, not whether we are goofy, silly, or just plain stupid some of the time).

I, myself, do not ever want to experience a relationship where the “cultural expectations” are such that the person “requires me” [or “they’ll be repercussions”] to do a lot of “posturing” or symbolism that is not the same as the “real thing”. In the 5 Languages of Love, they refer to how people know they are loved by either service, touch, gifts, deep emotional sharing and languaging (e.g. , say “I love you” lots), etc. I do not want a relationship where I must buy expensive jewelry or even be the “romantic” dude around town who is sure to plan exciting surprise vacations. This is what is referred to in some growth workshops as “eating the menu”, where the pretty pictures are so enticing but not real. Simple loving, basic gestures are what count, in my opinion, though everyone is entitled to what “conditions” work for them – I just don’t want to be in a relationship with that person. Artificial expectations and then the resentments related to not having them met are the killers of relationships - that’s why I hope people get a feel for what expectations are unrealistic – so that is deal with on the site (put “expectations” into the search engine).

I believe that everyone should become an expert in intimate relationships, as that is, outside of oneself, the most important element of life. Read the site! Especially learn the rational for non-blaming, so one can rid oneself of all resentments, frustration, anger, manipulation, self-criticism, etc. When one stops criticizing, out loud or in one’s mind, the other, then unconditional love does exist. (Search engine on the site, enter “blaming”.)

The Loving/BeingLoved section, under Relationships on the site, points the way...especially see The Loving Woman - By Her.