You will never have to forgive if you don't blame or fault in the first place...

I loved this article by Barry Neil Kaufman, one of the best and most effective teachers of life:

I Don't Teach Forgiveness - Why?

It agrees with this primary learning about life that I've held for years, and which has saved me from blame, anger, and judging anyone.

Here's my article on it:  No Fault.

Follow this and your life will be a huge amount better!!!

One level higher than forgiveness...

We can operate at one level higher than forgiveness if we “grok” this truth in all of life.

It’s hard to “get” because we have been tamed (term used by Don Miguel Ruiz) to believe in fault and even in the effectiveness of criticism, contrary to reality.

Vishen identified forgiveness as the key to “getting clear”, which is true, but we can get clear by not getting “unclear” in the first place, by living in the world of no blame, no criticism.

I hope that all people will see, understand, and live by, as a core essential to happiness, the “No Fault” truth:
 
No Fault

Labeling People As Haters And Losers? Does that work?!!?

At the risk of haters objecting to this emotionally tinged subject, I wrote a piece addressing such things.  Agree or not, please respond with kindness, facts, and logic...for they are the only way to create a better world:

“The ultimate test for actions in life lies in producing outcomes that do the greatest good (or at least some good) in total for the people affected.  (That is Ethics, which is different than morality, at the core.). Another way of saying this is “will it produce good or not?”.  And if one is operating at a higher level, one would ask “will this produce the highest good for my efforts?”  Read Good/Bad, Right/Wrong Vs. Workability.)

In response to a current discussion, this is being written for the exploration of ideas and how to shift our perspective (and then check in to see when we humans go into our “stories about” and leave the world of “what is actually, factually happening”, viewed objectively).  I, myself, would not vote for Trump because of my surmising that he would probably be ineffective, and possibly damaging, in the role of President.”

Here’s the full piece, to see how this might be addressed:

  Labelling People As Haters And Losers?

Ethics, Reality, Truth, Compassion, And Life Philosophy

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Not knowing - there is no fault, there is simply...

(If you receive this be email, click on the title to see the rest of the post.)

DEALING, INAPPROPRIATELY, WITH BLOCKS DUE TO "NOT KNOWING" 

We often run into something that blocks us and frustrates our going ahead on what we want.

At that point, we can go into a self-reinforcing tailspin or we can use our higher brain to intervene.

However, many people will react in the way they might have learned as a child: use a method that the child thinks works to motivate better behavior - but it doesn't actually, (See Blame, Criticism....)

 When running across something that is unknown, some people say "oh, what a moron I am!" or "oh, I'm so dumb in computers (science, thinking...)".  

But the truth is only that they have not yet put in the time to learn what is needed.  

And the truth is that we do not have the time to learn everything, so we need to let it be that we won't know something - and then we have to be aware that there is an alternative solution, that of using other resources and other people's brains, so that you do not have to know it yourself.

At this point in the thinking process, it is time to convert the misbelief of the child into a "corrected belief".  In doing so, you would follow the Belief Changing Process, and you'd end up with some restatement that is true. 

THE RESTATEMENT

The basic affirmation or statement might go something like this.  

"The truth is that I do not have the time to learn everything and there are simply some things I haven't spent the time to learn yet.  

There is no fault in not knowing something, there is only "not yet knowing".  

However, I have the ability to decide what is worth the time to learn and I also have the ability to do anything that any other human has done if I but spend the time to learn what they have done to succeed." 

NOT "BUYING INTO" THIS PERSPECTIVE/TRUTH

However, many people might not fully "buy into" the above concept, as they note that they can't even do some of the basics in life or in thinking.  

Well, that simply means that they have some more work (learning) to do to get those basics in place.  While it would be nice not to have to spend the time, bemoaning the fact that you have to do so will not do any good.  The fact is that you MUST learn those basics or you'll be unable to do the higher level things in life.  So, you should get right to it, if this applies to you.

They are not "bad" for "not yet knowing" those, they simply do not yet know AND must spend the time necessary if they deem it worthwhile to learn what is "not yet known".  (See, and, at some point, make sure that you know and operate by this perspective: No Fault - Just "Not Yet Knowing".) 

THE OLD METHOD OF COPING IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE

The old childhood concept of "being a hopeless moron" is just another false belief based on feeling and seeing oneself as powerless to control or change oneself or one's life.   Of course, the truth is that you have (or can learn) the power to control and change yourself!!!!  (See The Skill Of Change.)

WHAT TO DO NEXT

If you're a complete user of the basic systems of life management on the site, you would write down the completed statement of your corrected belief in your Reminders Notebook and then "install" it (reading it daily for awhile).  

Often times, to really solidify something and to install it, we need to do more reading on it, so you'd follow the links from No Fault - Just "Not Yet Knowing", and keep on going down the various links until you are "complete" on it, at the level of Sufficient Knowing.

Note that we skipped over some of the pieces of Belief Changing Process, so you can, if you still feel you haven't "gotten the point to the extent that it will remain in your mind", do some journaling or other writing about it and then run them through "the process".  

Note that it is vital that you get this "not yet knowing, no fault" understanding down cold, as it is one of the key determiners of the quality of life, as it eliminates one of the causes for unhappiness and negative emotions (even worry)!!!! 

  

RIGHT/WRONG AND BLAME - DANCING AS A METAPHOR

I think dance lessons serve to illustrate life and how it works.

You don’t know what you’re doing until you know what you’re doing. (Duh!) And when you make mistakes it tweaks Dumb and Dumber (Monkey Mind and Lizard Brain) to trigger one’s “feeling stupid” or “looking like a fool” defense mechanism. (Who, me?) And I did feel a bit incompetent, with no ability to put on a competence mask or to “look good”, so I risked looking bad, as my only choice!

But then I needed to call forth the adult in me… I just had to say “oh, well, I’m human, humans have to learn” and “maybe I can just have fun” and “maybe I’ll be better off for having learned.”
“Nobody has to be perfect.” “You will not be rejected for being a dumb person.” “Probably nobody cares if you goof. They’re probably just be self-concerned anyway. Or maybe you’ll just contribute to their feeling better about themselves, by comparison…and that’s ok.” Etc. and Etc.[1]

And then my partner/friend leaned back too much and kept pulling me off balance. My adult in me said “well, you be responsible and take up the slack, holding her stronger”. When I suggested to her that she was leaning back too far, she said she was standing up straight, so I needed to know when to stop pushing my observation (believed perception), so that it didn’t sound like a right/wrong, blame thing. (However, I did notice D & D trying to urge me to blame someone else, so ‘they’ would be “off the hook”, but my adult said “no, it is all your responsibility and others will always do something that is not perfect, so you just adjust and take responsibility for all parts…”). Ultimately, one of the instructors told her she was leaning back too far, so she was able to accept it this time. (There was no “I’m right” spoken, out loud or in my head, as I know that would imply a “wrong” on the other side, period; a rule never to be violated!)

And then my partner/friend was off the beat, moving from 5 to 6 too quickly. So I said “let’s slow down” and attempted to get the result by counting out loud. But she started instructing me on how I was supposed to be on the beat and 5 to 6 was a quick step and that I wasn’t doing it right… (My adult observed that) We both thought we had it nailed clearly , so (my adult suggested) “be sure to make sure there is no blame or implied blame in the conversation and that your statements are self responsible ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements,[2] so I followed that. And things went smoother.

And then, after two hours, it seems that one gets tired, and probably a bit prone to crankiness, but an individual at that point best does not “get to” be cantankerous or irritated – there’s no excuse for that – one must either button it up or stop (as in the HALT[3] prescription). So, my adult says “ok, you’re feeling susceptible and a bit foolish and tired and weak, but you can still be kind to yourself and others. And if you need to, go get some rest.”

Thank God that I learned to bring my adult (my thinking brain) in because Dumb and Dumber certainly would have created something not so workable. And, from my adult, I understand that others will be defensive and prone to being victim (feel picked on), so I was careful to take care of that, as there is more than one person involved in this situation!

Relevant pieces, of which you should learn thoroughly and from which you should act accordingly:

Psychology, Managing The Mind, Beliefs/Thoughts, Victimhood (click on article title to go
there and then link into the other sections)
Life Management, Power In Life, Responsibility Vs. Victimhood
Relationship, Communication, CriticismBlameVictim
Psychology, Emotion Management, Anger/Blame/Criticism

Coming soon: Role Playing As If You Were An Adult

http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/

[1] Referred to as “coping statements”. See Psychology, Internal Talk, My Utility Coping Statements.
[2] http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/ , Relationships, Communication, Criticism/Blame/Victim, NO-BLAME COMMUNICATION AND THE NO BLAME RELATIONSHIP – Explains how to communicate cleanly.
[3] Don’t act on anything important when hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Stop until you get your balance and strength back.

IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE POSSIBLE?

Q. This (referring to someone tending orchids as a huge hobby) takes a tremendous amount of time, and I'd much prefer to spend my time experiencing unconditional love!!! I know that some people don't believe that unconditional love is possible. What do you think?

A. I know it is possible, though the irony of it is that it must, in my opinion, start through a process of "conditionality". I don't think we can unconditionally love everybody in the deeper, non-trivial, sense. I can look at someone and be non-judgmental (which is often what people seem to think is "unconditional", but there is a nuance of difference), for I know they are doing the best they can given the current limits of their awareness - but I won't necessarily want to be around that person alot.

Once we get "the right basic conditions" (such as basic compatibility, including lifestyles merging ok with freedom to do as one wishes but also coming [so to speak] together at times to express fondness and closeness and to connect with the other's emotions and feelings about the day and life), then I think (and what I want) is that we can totally be unconditional, knowing that our basic conditions are met (for instance, one "condition" would be to not treat each other with anger, not criticize, not blame, be responsible for one's emotions and actions from those emotions - I believe that is who you are: nonjudgmental and unconditionally loving and totally self responsible [of course, there will be moments of slipping on banana peels or trying to park backwards, but those are all "so whats", as the only important thing is how we treat each other, not whether we are goofy, silly, or just plain stupid some of the time).

I, myself, do not ever want to experience a relationship where the “cultural expectations” are such that the person “requires me” [or “they’ll be repercussions”] to do a lot of “posturing” or symbolism that is not the same as the “real thing”. In the 5 Languages of Love, they refer to how people know they are loved by either service, touch, gifts, deep emotional sharing and languaging (e.g. , say “I love you” lots), etc. I do not want a relationship where I must buy expensive jewelry or even be the “romantic” dude around town who is sure to plan exciting surprise vacations. This is what is referred to in some growth workshops as “eating the menu”, where the pretty pictures are so enticing but not real. Simple loving, basic gestures are what count, in my opinion, though everyone is entitled to what “conditions” work for them – I just don’t want to be in a relationship with that person. Artificial expectations and then the resentments related to not having them met are the killers of relationships - that’s why I hope people get a feel for what expectations are unrealistic – so that is deal with on the site (put “expectations” into the search engine).

I believe that everyone should become an expert in intimate relationships, as that is, outside of oneself, the most important element of life. Read the site! Especially learn the rational for non-blaming, so one can rid oneself of all resentments, frustration, anger, manipulation, self-criticism, etc. When one stops criticizing, out loud or in one’s mind, the other, then unconditional love does exist. (Search engine on the site, enter “blaming”.)

The Loving/BeingLoved section, under Relationships on the site, points the way...especially see The Loving Woman - By Her.