The most beneficial book I ever read (and studied)

One person (on Facebook) has asked us to post each day for 10 days a book that has been one of the greatest books affecting my life.

This book is hands down the most beneficial of them all - a simple short book, which I put into practice every day for about 3 months until it was emblazoned in my mind and part of me I, like others I've communicated to me about this, have found it to be the most impactful book I've ever encountered (even though I read this decades ago and have since then read 1,000's of books and written extensively on this area of healthy thinking, which is what this book actually teaches!).

I thought it was so good that I later bought out all the copyrights and posted it for no cost (and no email required!) for you to access.

Building Self-Esteem, L.S. Barksdale

Please be sure to write me about what you get out of it.

Keith 

Antifragile - don’t depend on fragile self esteem sources!

AntiFragile Animated (4:08)

Acting from need, inner knowing, emotion or thinking?

(In email, click on the post title in order to read the entire post.) 

"Tim" is a super proactive "get this learned as fast as possible", diligent student of life (using my site primarily, right now, though I use other resources for him also).

He actively ask questions and seeks clarification so that he will have true workable understanding that he can effectively operate from.

We discuss the small book he is reading to see how human needs drive us, how we learn or don't learn, and how we can create happiness on purpose by using what I call "straight thinking".

In this piece he ask what is emotion, what is feeling, what is need, and what drives us.  He notes how we are automatically fed inputs that will determine our lives if we don't apply straight thinking to them.  The questions might possibly look simple but they are quite deep.  They get to the core of how to live life better.

Continue on in this copyable, editable piece:

ACTING FROM NEED, INNER KNOWING, EMOTION, OR THINKING?

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Millennial (born 1984 or after) - Depressed, lost, but...

(Click on the title of this post to read the entire post.)

Perhaps you can help a millennial connect with good sources of discussion with other millennials to help them cope and learn the skills that would turn their lives around.  You might wish to pass this piece onto a millennial to see if it will be of interest and use to them.

Simon Sinek brilliantly laid out the dilemma and the solution in this video: Simon Sinek On Millenials, which, I think, all people should watch regardless of age, as it is quite meaningful and insightful.   He nails what is going on with the Millenial and the problems that need to be resolved.

Some points:

The millennial was, in most cases, dealt a bad hand, and are where they are through no fault of their own.  The parents tried everything they could think of, but ultimately they taught the millennials some of the wrong things (such as entitlement, getting credit where none is earned, etc.).

They are stuck in short term Facebook, et.al. dependencies and addictions and ways of behaving that push out of the way the learning of the skills that will cause them to be able to cope effectively with building a career, social relationships, and a life built on long term valuables.

They are not experiencing job fulfillment, close relationships.  Nor learning the skills of cooperation.

Yes, the corporations "should" realize that they need to teach the millennials what it takes, but I wouldn't hold my breath on that one, as they are unlikely to be able to see that.

It seems that, as with many problems related to any subculture of civilization, the Millenials must rely on themselves, as they are the ones most interested in getting better results.

I received a nice note from "Kolyanne" on the usefulness of my Self Esteem And Confidence, Resources page.  She also shared, on her "Pinch Of Attitude" blog, a related article Always Believe In Yourself And Learn Why Most People Are Insecure.  In that she included the Simon Sinek video where Simon Sinek simply, and brilliantly, "nails it!"   Even if you are not a millenial, I recommend that you watch the Simon Sinek On Millenials video - AND then pass this onto a Millenial!

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How to Stop Seeking Approval from Others and Find It from the OnlyPerson That Matters

This is worthwhile reading and then deciding what your "policy" will be in life with regard to this.  It matters, as it is a chief determinant of our being able to create "life value" for ourselves...

 

How to Stop Seeking Approval from Others and Find It from the Only Person That Matters

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Link to this and to its related links and "nail this down", as it will make a huge difference in your life.  

ApprovalMainPage 

I am the vase, not the contents. I am neither good nor bad, but...

(Click on the post title to read the whole post.)

"I am just the vase, not the contents.

Yes, the reality is that the contents will determine the life I live.

But I do have the power to change the contents,

and thus I ('the vase")  have the power to create a great life."

The vase is just the vase.  It is not flawed because of its contents.  It is the contents that are "good" or "bad", not the vase, for it is doing its job of holding the contents.

The contents determines one's life capability.  We did not have control over the contents that was put in and we had to, of course, follow what the contents dictated that we do, for we knew no better.  The person (vase) is not the fault. It is the lack of good contents that is the cause of a not so great life.

Life begins to transform IF one somehow, through chance, comes across the idea that he/she can question beliefs and correct them.  Life transforms further when one realizes that one can learn much better content that will work to create a much better life.  If somehow, they "get" that this is the key to creating a great life, then an incredible, rapid transformation occurs to the level of wisdom and truly mastering life and happiness.    When one creates better contents, life will be changed forever. And the vase will still be the same, but the vase's experience of life is so much better.  The vase is neither good nor bad.  It is the contents that are good or bad and determine our life.

It is time to stop the nonsense and the worry about "the vase being good enough" for it is not the vase (which is just fine) but the contents that determines life.

This is "hard" to "get" because it is so foreign to us.  We are the victims of some bad cultural beliefs that if examined would be seen to be harmful and untrue.  Once a person learns to live in the No Fault paradigm and then takes the reigns of changing the contents, life changes super-dramatically.

One vital set of contents that must be changed are the beliefs that we are given/learn that lock us into all sorts of unnecessary anxiety and suffering. Consider the six pieces reading sequence on my Barksdale About Life site:  Program.

Recommended reading, related to the series on Who I Really Am:  I Am Not That Which I Think Or Have.  I Am The Basic Unit, Which Has Unlimited Options

The most significant change that can be made in life occurs when a person finally realizes that he/she must no longer go into the role of being a child and a victim, for that is the source of unsolved problems and bad decisions. The problem is that the role is based on bad beliefs of dependency, powerlessness (at times even helplessness), having to have approval, high distractability, poor decisions due to not engaging the higher brain, etc. - all unnecessary and avoidable!  Telling a child-adult that this is the behavior he is manifesting will often cause denial, even feeling insulted.  Read and complete the shedding of that easy role to slip into:  The Child Persona - We Hold Onto This As If It Were Useful, But It Isn't!!!!!  Read all the sidebar pieces on that page.

Follow this path and you will be able to create a great life!

Am I Good Enough? No!

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Q:  “Really, seriously now, am I good enough?”

A:  “Really, seriously now, the answer is no, certainly not!”

Yes, you are a human capable of learning and doing all that is essential and important, but you are not capable of achieving “enough” if there is no clear end point to enough.

You have stumbled into the very human trap and conditioning that have caused one to:

1. Buy into unreachable expectations beyond human capabilities and then use them as

2.  Standards to judge oneself against as good enough, with:

   a..  An endlessness to the vagueness of what is enough and

   b.  Definitely no answer to “enough for what?”

The trap is that we are endlessly trying to reach “enough” since enough is not reachable (it is endless).  

WHAT IS THE WAY OUT?

The obvious, but not easy, answer is to define what is “enough” for each objective we truly need to meet to live “sufficiently well”.  

And then we can add the next level up: what is “enough” to live a “good enough” life.  

I define those on the site - you may wish to go ahead and do your defining first and then refer to the site or you may wish to refer to the site to get more specific items to consider.  (You might start at How Much Is Enough For Me?, which is my own answer.  It then links into the master page on the subject.)

But, please, do not skip this step, as that will leave you stuck in an endless loop of feeling bad about not being good enough - a terrible way to live life.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS IF I CONTINUE AS IS?

Being “in the question”, in itself feels bad, but it also causes one to do things that will displace other things of value in life because it takes time to play the game of “trying to be good enough”.  (Ref. The Law Of Displacement - Insert The Higher Stuff, Instead!)

Some play this game in life by spending a huge amount of time avoiding even small mistakes, perhaps even seeking perfection in what they do, as those, they fear, may “prove one to be short of being good enough”.  [Note that “good enough for what?” still goes unanswered.]  So, one does not spend enough time on things that would add good positive emotions to our emotional tank.  

The effect of feeling bad and the effect of the anxiety and effort in trying to watch everything one does, all at once, is a huge depletion of  (positive) emotional reserves.  

In that deficit condition, one becomes more desperate because the primitive mind is noting that it is “too close for comfort” to going over the edge into a true depletion, down to nothing - and that, to the primitive mind, is very threatening to survival.  The primitive mind must recruit all the forces and resources it can in order to prevent that from happening or even from being too far out of the solidly functioning range the body and mind must be in for good survival - it must always, with no real option otherwise, try to get us back into the H-Zone (homeostasis).  One cannot afford to ignore the chief law that governs the automatic functioning of the body and mind - homeostasis cannot be violated without repercussions.

Besides thinking that oneself is not good enough, one sets it up so that noncontrollable sources must be recruited to help “prove” that one is good enough (i.e. not so bad that one is not seen to be “unworthy”).  They seek to get proof from “out there”, but it somehow seems to never be enough, as more is always needed until it is “enough”, which it never is.  Indeed, their lives are controlled by “out there” (circumstances, other people) and thus they are the victims of life and not the victors!  

At the hard core, the “not good enough” person is a prisoner of having to stay on high alert and do maximum effort to gain from others the ap-prove-al they “need”.  And, of course, from evolution, we are programmed to feel good about getting approval - and that is all good and fine as long as we are not hungry for it and anxious about it.  A nice bonus is always good - but if it is an addiction, one will be forever stuck in the addictive cycle of ups and downs and destructive harmful behaviors and thinking.  

In this cycle, you are stuck in being a slave to gaining approval instead of living life to gain what is truly of value in life.  [Of course, you must also define what is of value - and please do not put on that list “getting approval”, for that is mixing up a possible “means” with the true “ends” that we want, those things that are truly of value.  Do the value exercises starting here with an overall briefing and then following the path set up for you.]

WHAT DOESN’T WORK

No matter how many “affirmations” of “I am great!” or “I am good enough!” or “I am worthy!”, you will never get there by saying something that you do not actually see as true - you can never reach “great enough”, “good enough”, or “worthy” if it is undefined and therefore unreachable!!!

We cannot try to “overpower” the fear.  We must go deeper than that, by following the suggested exercises.

[I must note at this point that we can avoid all this useless correcting of what is wrong, the “not adding” to our emotional reserves, and all the anxiety and feeling bad, simply by correcting the vicious circle (the vicious chain) at the core cause of it all!!!!!  Of course, that is the basic erroneous belief/assumption we started off talking about.]]

ANOTHER “SIDE” EFFECT

And, on top of all of the above, we add the effect of having few emotional reserves.  When the reserves are low, there is a hair trigger that causes one to go after “quick hits” of either relief from the unpleasantness of one’s own thoughts and/or seeking distractions and/or immediate pleasure in an attempt to fill the emotional hole.  

As a result, one cannot focus on or stay on a path of progress - and so the person lives a “zig-zag” no progress life, keeping all the old problems unsolved while stacking even more on the top.  He/she has trouble completing the work to solve a problem or even following through on what is needed to do anything that takes much work.

WHERE TO INTERVENE

So the question, as is always the case in a causal chain, is “where do we intervene?”, and implicitly connected to that “where is the most effective place to intervene in the chain?”

I think that we must revise the whole basis for the bad set of derived beliefs, false dangers, and harmful behaviors.  

We must learn and then define for ourselves what is enough.  

When?  

Now, immediately, or at least as soon as possible!   

To what degree?  

Well, 80% would be great and a worthy objective that is very easily reached.  

I would suggest that one would best go “all the way” to a full understanding of “the enough” concept.  

But, since you are time limited and may not be able to become fully enlightened real soon, the “best for now” would be to write out what is “enough” as you define it and then install it into you by reading it daily (or at least a summary).  

Note, however, that when we set a clear definition of what is enough and lower our expectations down to reality levels, that we then need also to maximize our understanding of what we do have already, as that will help fill our “tank” of “enoughness” and to close The Unhappiness Gap that we have created over our lives.   

IMAGINE…

Imagine going into community meetings afraid that some authority figure will not be impressed with you and may even withdraw or not give his support to you. Imagine how tense you would feel if you are doing hyper self checking.  Imagine you are concerned about how you hold your hand, how you stand, whether you have an intelligent look on your face...  Will everybody like me?  Will I look powerful enough (or pretty enough or competent enough or...ad infinitum)?

And then afterwards, imagine that such a person then puts himself through the angst and agony of saying “was I good enough?” to which he always answers “no, I goofed here and that person must have thought this… and… and… and…” (then he reviews all the instances of possibly being short of perfection or some unreasonable expectation)   (Imagine what it would be like on the other end, having to listen to that person in his writhing about.)

BEING DRIVEN

One fellow holds himself out as “not being competitive” since that would mean he was less than “good” in others’ eyes.  So he is not “aggressively” or directly competitive, but he seeks to perform perfectly or at such a high level as to be admired.  He has this intense drive to do it super weLl.

He comes up with more good ideas, by far (since he is intensely motivated), and achieves far more than others (or seeks to, despite his undertow of impaired emotions and false beliefs)...he overworks himself down into the ground and at huge costs to himself and to those closest to him, much damage to his personal life, all so that he can seek to assure that he will get approval and/or avoid disapproval… [That sounds preposterous.  And it is a preposterous way to live and think in life.]

WOULDN’T SUCH A LIFE BE AWFUL?

Imagine trying to live a life where any of those scenarios are true.  Wouldn’t it be awful?  Although most people aren’t as extreme as the person in the previous example, most people are living some degree of this life-harmful way of being (being always short and not good enough, having to be a people pleaser, having to get approval and lots of it...).  

HOW ABOUT THIS, INSTEAD?

Imagine instead the person who is running his/her life very well, with little effort and with grace and calmness, who can honestly say “well, that was good enough, that was enough to give me good enough value.  Now what else can I do that will give me good value.”  [The “not good enough” person will, instead, think of something he she must do to solve the always ongoing ever-present problem of not “being enough” and then use up the time (that could have been used for high value) in a low payoff, low value way..]

That person would do, first, only that which would assure the base level of performance needed that might actually affect his/her survival.  And that person would show up at the event, thinking “I know I can operate in the range of “okness” socially, perhaps not impressing but “good enough” not to cause a real problem…and if anyone thinks poorly of me that is strictly that person’s poor thinking.  And, of course, if something does actually matter, then I’ll handle it, but I’ll not waste my time upfront being compulsively, unthinkingly anxious about it!”  “I will not give up my life for foolish avoidance of disapproval!!!”  “I am, bottomline, an ok person.”

This person will have done the sane thing, starting from the culturally induced belief of “I’m not good enough” and then putting his/her thinking into a logical, thought-out order.  From that thinking, he will only focus on doing those things that are controllable - and thus he has a better chance of successfully getting what he wants, and not being dependent on someone else’s opinion or approval!  He/she will have put definition, definiteness, and clarity into his/her life, including figuring out what is “enough” (and writing it out and installing it!!!!).

No more impossible (or unlikely reached) expectations.  No more living in undefined, vague beliefs and feelings of fear and anxiety and dependency.  

Now living in a life of freedom and seeking true value in life as the primary objective of life.

Of course!!!!

What sane person would choose otherwise?!!!  

WILL YOU?

 Will you do what is necessary to "close the gap":

Answer the "Enough" question.

Determine what is of true value in life.

And then install it.

A person with internal reference is happier than an external reference person

(If you received this via email, click on the title to see the full post.)

"We are all in complete control of how we spend our time and our life. If we don’t believe we are, we have an external locus of control (i.e., victim-mentality) and will remain so until we claim personal responsibility."

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As humans, we tend to jump to conclusions and miscategorize and generalize things into being "good or bad".  Hardly anyone would want to be called an introvert, especially when our culture believes being an extrovert is better.  But neither one is better; they are just different.

And then we also get a vital concept related to "viewpoint" mixed up in our heads, thinking that one is an extrovert because he runs his life based on what is called "external reference".  We conclude that both of these reference viewpoints refer to being "connected" with other people and then we collapse the definitions together, in a mass of sloppy thinking.

So, let's look at these two vital "reference" viewpoints .


THE TWO REFERENCE VIEWPOINTS DEFINED

From How To Stay Sane, Philippa Perry:  "People can be loosely put into two groups, those who externally reference and those who internally reference.

Externally referenced people are more concerned with the impression they make on other people:  What do I look like?  What does this look like [to others]?

Internally referenced people are more concerned with what something feels like: Do I like the feel of this or that better?

Externally referenced people want to get it right for others (so they will be accepted, impress them or be envied by them) but internally referenced people want to get it right for themselves (so they feel comfortable with themselves).  "

Of course, being too far into one side could almost put a person into sociopath territory, where you has no concern over fitting in with others and their values.  "Too far on the externally referenced side and we lose a sense of ourselves and become off-balance."


THE NEED FOR BOTH, BUT BALANCED IN FAVOR OF...

If we are stuck in external reference, without a balance of internal reference and awareness, we will be whipsawed around and perhaps panting for approval from others, perhaps standing on our rear paws, ready to please.

This would amount to the virtual equivalent of being controlled by others, being "at the effect of" their demands and agendas, being run by the excessive desire to please.

This can become a form of dependence and of an addiction, where even a few bones being tossed to the person once in awhile (called "intermittent reinforcement') keeps the person "hooked" and continuing down the tunnel where there is only infrequent cheese, instead of picking and choosing tunnels with reliable cheese supplies.  See  Why Rats Are Smarter Than People And How You Can Be Smarter.


THE CURE FOR IMBALANCE?

If one is stuck as the victim of too much external reference, one needs to learn enough to balance the scales toward being an absolutely strong internal reference person, but with sufficient external reference to assure that he/she gets along in society.

One needs to identify what truly matters in life.  If one does that one will be able to see that the strongest highest value is actually that of emotional well-being.  (Some see that view as being "selfish" and, erroneously, "wrong", so they have trouble "getting it" - well, they MUST "get it" or they will be aiming the wrong direction in life.) 

One must do the learning to be able to switch over to The Value Mindset instead of the "busyness mindset "or the approval mindset.  (The latter mindsets are similar to the "get the maximum amount of money" mindset - they do not add value to life!!!  They are false values.)

Considerable effort should be put into understanding and switching from old beliefs that cause Dependency thinking and from the Approval Game (note the piece titled "I Must Not Be Disapproved Of "and the other pieces in the sidebar of the piece and read the core beliefs listed, as they are the symptoms that go along with being stuck in too much external reference where one tries to get "self esteem" through others' esteem...). 

When one leaves the external reference viewpoint, he becomes the generator instead of the "generated upon" and he then controls and runs his life at a much higher level, living always in the 100% Responsibility Mindset instead of the dependency beliefs/mindset.   

And then life gets to be incredibly, incredibly better.  Living as Master Of Your Life is a great way to live! (Be sure you are Living Life As A Life Champion, rather than a  passive passing-through-this-life person.)


I wish you the best in this transformation to stepping up to the power in which you can run a great life, 

Keith

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YOU’RE NOT SO SPECIAL NOR THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE BUT…IN A WAY…

[If you received this by email, click on the title to read the rest of the post.]

I’m reminded that I’m just another human being when I am not remembered (or in my monkey mind, not worth remembering).  

From a child point of view, he/she must receive attention to constantly affirm that they are important and ok.  Well, you might ask, why would that be the case?  Because they are dependent and powerless and MUST have love to survive – actually the love doesn’t matter so much, as it is really the assurance of survival that is the need – and that, indeed, is a big deal.

If we don’t grow up and out of that point of view (small, dependent, powerless, with survival in the hands of another), we still seek to be special, trying to get attention and recognition.

But really most people don’t care that much about you unless you give them what they want: attention and recognition and feeling good about themselves.  There is such a chatter in their minds where they are trying to look good to get approval, watching out for signs of approval or disapproval, a constant conversation of self concern – from which they have a few units of attention for you IF you look like a prospect to make them feel good about themselves.  

That’s not bad, that’s just what is so.  

As an adult, you should learn that seeking attention and recognition and/or approval from another is like playing the slot machine:  you get a few hits now and then, but largely you don’t really gain. It is a non-winnable game plus it is one where you don’t have a lot of control over.  Yes, you can be the image of what people want and get lots of approval for the façade (Mask? Role? Pretense?) and the real you won’t really be getting the recognition or liked, as it is the image that is liked, not you.  

You’re just another person among billions all seeking attention and all self focused and only paying attention to you in a very minor way.  

The conclusion:  Don’t spend any effort on trying to be a special person to others to get their attention and approval.  Just let it be that you’ll either get it or not, and it’ll be nice but it will never be necessary for you to feel good about yourself.

Like one fellow said “I’ll feel good about myself and have good self esteem when others approve of me enough.”   Ironically, he is seeking “self” esteem from “other” esteem, which is a contradiction in terms.  Secondly, it is a losing game, one of illusion and frustration, usually with some drama and self criticism.  

What should I do?

Fo’get ‘bout it…  

Just be the loving person, like Ellen F., giving what people truly love.

A child growing up learns to try to be superior or be seen as cool and perfect, all in order to be ok.  But an adult knows that is not going to prove a thing.  It is all miswired, not true, misconstrued.

There is no self-worth game that is real.  It is all imaginary…

You are and will always be the chief source, the creator, of how you treat yourself and of the love that is most meaningful.  The rest is a game, an iffy one – but just a game, where there is a score but no need to have a victory – you can just enjoy the game, for there is no real loss, for it is only an imaginary one.  

(Try these, instead:  Extreme Self Care and Loving Yourself.)  

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And, the video that went viral as a commencement speech:  You're Not So Special  

Where do we draw the line: Selflessness, self sacrifice, self care?

(Click on the title of the article to go to the full blog posting.  If you receive this email notice, it only includes a few lines to give you the basic idea...)

In the bid to be worthy and "good", we often seek to become selfless and to contribute massively.  Yet we often set ourselves up for unhappiness and a set up that does not truly deliver the best value to ourselves AND also not to others.

Some of this is from "playing small" at life, because of having to seek approval and be seen as good.

And much of it is from the loss of power of not being fully charged up and from not being fully happy and powerfully self-determined.

It saddens me to see that.

I looked into where and how people get such extremely debilitating ideas.

And this is what I think...so far. Does God Want Us To Self-Sacrifice To The Point Of Suffering Or Doing Harm To Ourselves?   (No, it isn't for religious people; but I start from such sources as the origin of the idea and the morality wrappings and the guilt and misunderstandings we create about it.)

Are there other viewpoints and facts that indicate otherwise?   Let me know if that is so.

Towards your thinking fully about your life and making those decisions that fully empower yourself,

Keith

I would hope that you would do the really quick signup for email notification of newly written materials and also of new recommendations of resources that I think would be of value to you.

Use Just These Affirmations For Sound Self Esteem

L. S. Barksdale retired and then spent his life determining how to create self esteem and an understanding of life that allows one to be happy.  What he created was, in my opinion, a masterpiece.

And I used it to pull myself up from a "minus" score to a substantial high score (see The Self-Esteem Evaluation on the site, as that should be used to measure one's progress).

I would propose that you honor the learning and advice of this wise man and learn by heart, for instant and constant use in life, his Basic Daily Affirmations For Sound Self Esteem.

It will dramatically alter your life, virtually no matter who you are, as it is the healthiest way of thinking in life.

Yours toward happiness,

K